That's simply impossible
by Zia Lupin
Summary: UPDATEDCHAPTER 25 NOW UP!Remus and Sirius have always been perfect for each other, but once you think you're devoted, chances always turn up at the wrong time. Welcome to a love triangle. SSRL and SBRL to be seen!
1. That's simply impossible

Author's Note: WOW! Been a long time, no? Ah, I just felt like writing. May not be as good as I hoped, but check it out. It's in Remus's POV, obviously. Hope he's alright.  
  
Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own Remus, Sirius, James, or Severus. Tough world, huh? None of them are mine...except in dreams. : P  
  
"Moons, you realize when if you pile that many books on one table that if you were to place a feather on it, it'd collapse, right?"  
  
"Sirius, I've only got so much time until the test, I need to cram as much as I can..." I mumbled quietly, grabbing the next book and laying it on top of the other, speed-reading.  
  
"You've got a week," Sirius laughed, pushing the books aside and sitting in their absence. I made a small noise, but I'm sure he didn't hear it. " Come on and play with me!!"  
  
" Padfoot, you'd know I'd love to, but I really don't think I'm at all up to it." I motioned to the 'glass' ceiling above as three quarters of a most beautiful and terrible orb passed overhead in a tortuously slow path. He whimpered and I could see why he chose a canine for his project to become and animagi. They still hadn't managed to work it out. "No, Siri." Another whimper and a slide into my lap. "I said no."  
  
" We won't have to go anywhere. We could play chess or you could watch me play quidditch," Sirius pleaded. "Aaaaaaaaaaanything, pleeeeeeeeeease!"  
  
"Where's James or Peter?"  
  
"They're off in McGonagall asking for some extra help on Transfiguration spells, sort of a sneaky way to ask about animagus spells," Sirius said offhandedly.  
  
I forced myself not to sigh or roll my eyes. No wonder Sirius was here. He only came to me if James was busy. I think I felt a lot closer to him than he did to me, but I accepted that a long time ago.  
  
" I told you guys I didn't want that..." I told him calmly.  
  
" If we become animagi, then---"  
  
"Sirius, it's too dangerous, okay? Just--er, don't worry about me, okay?" I muttered, reaching for another book over Sirius's shoulder. He grabbed my arm and grinned.  
  
"You know I can't do that," he replied. "Now come on, Remus, let's go play chess or Snap----"  
  
"Paddy, it's 9:00..."  
  
"And the Great Hall's gonna close any second now, so you'll have to leave one way or another. And we might as well go now and make the best of the night---besides, I'm on a sugar-induced high. Better make the best of it."  
  
There was no objecting. Literally. He covered my mouth, jumped off me and I was pulled along. I was only lucky he didn't pick me up, or I'd never get my books.  
  
"Sirius, you go on ahead and I'll meet you in a second," I called, going back to the table.  
  
"You promise!?"  
  
"Yeah, yeah, sure!!!"  
  
I turned around and got my books, some of them knocked underneath the table or on the other side of it. When I lifted myself up and turned around I saw a very, very black mass of hair. I would have mistaken it for Sirius if I didn't take a second look and remember he was already gone. I moved over, around the benches and empty tables to the black mop, curiously investigating this living janitorial equipment. A pair of hemitites surrounded by garnets where I imagined would be diamonds stared up from the mop as it reared its head to look at me, revealing cream-colored skin, drawn tight from stress and tears around fragile bones. It was almost frightening to see this mop arise with these salt-tears and tight mouth.  
  
"What do you want, werewolf?" he spat, putting his hand parallel with his eyebrow so as to hide himself. I only smiled slightly, calmly thinking to myself what a mistake it was to investigate the friend of a broom.  
  
"Severus?" I asked politely. "What's wrong?"  
  
"Fuck you, it's none of your business," he mumbled, hair falling onto the paper again as he hurriedly wrote.  
  
"...Suit yourself." I knew better than to persist when someone is crying. Especially if that someone would gladly put silver in your papercut. " But you know, Severus, if you ever would like to talk sometime, I'm not like the other guys. I think that perhaps, I might even venture to say that...well, you and I aren't so---"  
  
"Would you just fuck off, hybrid?" Severus demanded, making an imaptient hand gesture with one finger. I nodded slowly and walked away. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"So, did Snape try to hex you as you got your 'quipment?" Sirius asked as I walked into the common room. He was already sitting down at the chessboard, boncing up and down like a little boy waiting to play.  
  
"You knew he was there!?  
  
"Yeah. I tried to get you away from him before he got the chance, love. But, hey, it was your choice," Paddy laughed. "He's such an asshole..."  
  
I looked at Sirius and then back at the ground, setting my books on the table. I waltzed over to the chessboard, sat down, and watched him move the pawn .  
  
"He was very upset, you know. I couldn't tell why...He's never really happy, though..." My pawn now.  
  
"Snivellus and happy just never mixed. You shouldn't waste your time with that sod." His knight moved in an L. How ironic.  
  
" You shouldn't be so rude to him." My queen.  
  
"And you still shouldn't be so nice." His bishop. "It'll get you in trouble some day. " My pawn. "Try some aggression." His bishop taking my pawn.  
  
"What did he ever do, anyway?" My rook.  
  
"He was an idiot. Simple." His queen. My rook taking his queen.  
  
"How could you be such a bastard, Siri?" His rook on the rampage, taking a knight. "You admit that there's no reason to torture him." My queen moving across the board.  
  
" You don't know the half of it, Remus--" A pawn gone, broken by his bishop.  
  
"Why don't you just tell me?" A pawn.  
  
"It's not for me to tell." A rook.  
  
"Why!?" Rook gone, bishop moving.  
  
"Listen, Remus!" Bishop taken by pawn. "I may hate the guy, but--" queen moving--" I think maybe James or--" queen gone by other rook--" Peter, they knew first--" pawn.  
  
"Knew what?" Pawn. Rook. Bishop. Pawn. King. His rook.  
  
" Knew that---" bishop. rook. King.  
  
"Sirius--" Rook. Bishop. Pawn. Pawn. King."---just tell me already!"  
  
" That Snivellus is fuckin' in love with you, Moony!!!!"  
  
A checkmate by Sirius, the game was over with a crash of cement broken by the rook. I didn't look at him, I just stared at the broken King and Queen, the battlefield. I stood up as best I could, feeling quite nauseated. I'm sure my face was whiter than ever, transparent even. I took one look down at Sirius, who was looking up at me innocently and with concern.  
  
"Remmie...Sit down, let's talk--"  
  
I just sighed, holding my throat and strolled up to the dorm bathroom as quickly and calmly as I could. I could actually taste the blood in my mouth mixed with the stomach acid. 


	2. That's simply aggravating

Author's Note: Wow! 3 people like it! You know, if you can just reach one person... Heh. Well, bite that! I reached 3! HA! Anyway, I hope you enjoy this next chapter. I am still working things out with the whole issue of "Who gets Remus?" I can tell you this much---it's a guy. : P AffectedMangoO-Hey, thanks! Yeah, I'm planning on being very devoted to this fic. I'm so pleased you like it! Cliffe-Huzzah for creativity! Yes, I have been wanting to do this for such a long time. It feels good to be back. I know my writing is definitely getting more realistic and...I may even venture to say that my characters lose their 'sanity' far more easily. (The chess scene was sorta mad) I hope this doesn't take away from the effect of a pure Remus character with no additives or perservatives. Thank you. I won't give up. :) L-sama- Yay! Thank you very much! Here's another chapter just for you! Blueberry()-I know, isn't it sad? But he'll be better by the end, I guaruntee! Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own Remus, Sirius, James, or Severus. Tough world, huh? None of them are mine...except in dreams. : P (peter I can do without...)  
  
SEVERUS SNAPE'S POINT OF VIEW IS BELOW.  
  
'Son'  
  
She began all his letters like this....  
  
'I'd like to respect you're decision to leave, but you and I both know how your father will react. I want to ask you to please think over it before you jump into any decisions. I can talk with him, if you wish.  
  
But, Severus, you're being a drama queen, and I mean that in the most literal sense. I really cannot see how you can only think of yourself. Sometimes I feel you're not even my son.  
  
Where do you think you'll go if you leave home? You don't have friends. You never did.  
  
Mom'  
  
I bit back my fury at the letter, seeing as I was in a public place. I crumpled the parchment, tears deciding not to obey my mind, and stuffed it in my bag. I wouldn't dispose of it yet-- as long as there was evidence of the tyranny of my parents, I wouldn't feel like a stupid git, or I might as well use a quote---" a drama queen in the most literal sense''. Mrs. Snape happened to be a pushover, not at all phased by her abusive relationship with a certain Mr. Snape, who also seemed to enjoy a rousing time of beating his child. They were of the old country, where things like this were still tolerated. I, on the other hand, couldn't tolerate, much less accept the ways of the household. When the final straw before August was pulled, I left the house, walking to the trainstation during the day and flying by night. I slept in a park a couple of nights and also at the station, but I can tell you it was much better than 'home'.  
  
" We won't have to go anywhere. We could play chess or you could watch me play quidditch. Aaaaaaaaaaanything, pleeeeeeeeeease!"  
  
I forced myself not to look up from Arithmancy: The Art and see Sirius Black badgering who was most likely his 'genius' friend Potter or their little rat Pettigrew. I cringed when I heard the other voice, calm and mild, without any accusation or icy edge, something I barely remembered after being in Slytherin.  
  
"Where's James or Peter?"  
  
I recognized that voice. I made Arithmancy my grave immediately, listening to the conversation, tears still somehow seeping out of my eyes. The conversation went on and I was sinking deeper and deeper beneath the table. If I had mastered the test, I would have disappeared completely.  
  
"Sirius, you go on ahead and I'll meet you in a second," called the boy as the black-haired one moved towards the dorms.  
  
"You promise!?"  
  
"Yeah, yeah, sure!!!"  
  
Remus turned back to retrieve his studies as I buried myself in mine, trying to appear busy until he left. I wrote nonsense hurriedly, an old poem I remembered, on a spare piece of parchment, pulling a random book out of my bag and setting it open on the table. I heard him start to walk off and heaved a small sigh of relief. Then the steps changed directions and I stopped dead in the middle of the line, barely breathing. The steps stopped and I could feel him looking down at me, probably in more ways than one.  
  
I looked up, trying to look as fierce as I could. My eyes saw his and acting was lost. Midas must have touched the eyes with such purity giving me a gaze that could search a soul and heal it. Golden strawberry blonde hair fell around those eyes, slightly greying, but nevertheless radiant. Dove-white skin was not marred by any freckles, zits, or abrasions save for the scar half-hid by his collar. I couldn't help but think he was beautiful, but he was a monster.  
  
"What do you want, werewolf?" I muttered.  
  
"Severus?" Lupin asked softly, kindly, moronically. "What's wrong?"  
  
"Fuck you, it's none of your business," I replied, hoping he wouldn't persist, and continued to write.  
  
"...Suit yourself. But you know, Severus, if you ever would like to talk sometime, I'm not like the other guys. I think that perhaps, I might even venture to say that...well, you and I aren't so---"  
  
"Would you just fuck off, hybrid?"I spat, suddenly furious because I knew what he would say. He would tell me "Severus, we aren't that different", and I didn't want to fuckin' hear it. He got the picture and left without much more hesitation.  
  
Once Lupin evacuted the Great Hall I was left red in the face and short of breath. Gathering my stuff, wiping away tears, and walking as fast as my chicken-legs could take me, I found myself at the Slytherin common room door. I didn't want to end up there, but it seemed like instinct. I looked back down the hallway and sighed. I knew nobody was there, but perhaps I wanted someone there, someone to say the password for me so I'd feel awkward and have to go in. But at the moment, I neither knew the password nor cared to go inside a room full of what was most likely drunks and their girlfriends. People already found out about my sexuality a long time ago by reading my journal, and it would only become worse if I went in to listen to THAT after seeing Lupin.  
  
So I sat around the corner at the dead end of the hallway and tried to get my breathing under control. Sometimes I could be a real pathetic creature.  
  
"Why did I have to see Lupin..." I thought out loud.  
  
"Snivellus? What're you doing here?" someone said in a taunting voice beneath me. Beneath me!?!?!  
  
I sat up to see the ugliest sight in the world, James Potter and a big, fat rat named Pettigrew. I jumped to see them holding a trap door open in the floor, Potter looking at me with curious disgust and Pettigrew merely looking like an idiot.  
  
"I would like to ask you the same thing, Potter," I seethed, completely and utter composed. I amaze myself at how well I can pull myself together when I need to. Potter must have realized very quickly that if he really told me, he'd be suspended in a mere half-minute.  
  
" What's it to you? Can't prove anything, Snivellus," Potter responded, attempting (and failing, I may add) to be cool.  
  
" Try me.''  
  
Pettigrew just watched in avid admiration as Potter calculated. I rolled my eyes and started to walk to the common room door.  
  
"On second thought, don't. I don't want to waste my time getting you suspended until I find something really, r e a l l y delectable," I breathed, smirking. His rather pathetic/defiant look just made my smile wider as I tried to remember the password and not look like an imbecile.  
  
James and Peter got out of the floor and walked behind me on their way to bed. But they stopped when I stopped. I turned around, sighing.  
  
"I'm not going to say the password while you're here, Potter, so you can just sod off already."  
  
Dismayed, the fool and his apprentice and strolled off.  
  
"........................................................................... .........Oh, Cellophane."  
  
The door opened to reveal just the sight I imagined, but as their taunts continued and their jeering eyes followed me, my mind was on one thing and one thing only---sleep. 


	3. That's simply rude

Author's Note: You know, I always feel awkward writing in First Person. Why is it I always do it, then...? I pray you forgive me if I messed up Severus's character, I really tried my best. Okay! Here I go. This is Sirius's POV, and yes I made him a jerk. Woo, it's not a good chap....alas....  
  
Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own Remus, Sirius, James, or Severus. Tough world, huh? None of them are mine...except in dreams. : P (peter I can do without...)  
  
SIRIUS BLACK'S POINT OF VIEW  
  
Why the hell was Remus angry with ME? It was obvious I didn't do a thing but tell him the truth. Severus Snape fancied him. Had done so for a LONG time, since our midterm in 1st year. And if you really must know, I found myself attracted to him sometimes, too.  
  
But it just made me upset the way he reacted. He really didn't know anything and he had the nerve to call me a bastard. Whatever, makes no difference to me. He'd get over it soon enough, he always does.  
  
"Honey, we're home!" James called from the portrait hole, closing it behind Peter.  
  
"How was work?" I asked, smiling at the sight of my best friend.  
  
"Interesting, to say the least," James announced, dropping his robe over a chair. "McGonagall got furious at our curiousity and sent us off, so we went exploring for a while in the dungeons. You should've seen it down there, Sirius--"  
  
"Skeletons--" Peter interrupted, a boyish thrill in his squeaky voice.  
  
" Some of them horribly mangled and rotting and---"  
  
"Broken wands all over the place, swords---"  
  
"Swords and maces and---"  
  
"Bows and arrows and--"  
  
"Spears even! All of them just hanging on the walls like some kind of armory," James told enthusiastically.  
  
" And it looks like Filch stores things there," Peter grinned.  
  
"Yeah! Siri, I can't even tell you the number of dung bombs, fireworks, and Whizbees we found---Must've been MILLIONS! A huge MOUNTAIN of prank-worthy items, some of them looking simply ancient!" James exclaimed.  
  
"It was simply--"  
  
"Beautiful..." James breathed dreamily, lids closing peacefully.  
  
"Yeah...." Peter sighed. I tried not to laugh and just grinned.  
  
" How about tomorrow--wanna check it out, Siri?" James inquired, jumping up and down.  
  
"Hells yeah! I wouldn't miss that chance for anything! Mountains, eh?" I replied, laughing slightly.  
  
"Yep. Cliffs towering 50--100 feet high. What did you and Remus do?" Peter asked, helping himself to a bit of leftover cake from his pocket.  
  
I hesitated, crossing my legs casually. I wasn't too sure I wanted to delve into the fact that I revealed something that I shouldn't have, since James made me promise not to tell him. James had a soft spot for that subject, and only that subject. I had no clue why.  
  
"Nothing, really."  
  
" Oh, yeah--and we saw ol' Snivelly when we came out through the floor. He was just sitting there. Reaaaaaaally pathetic," James sneered. "He's so full of his own depression--he probably just got a B on his potions test."  
  
I hate it when it seems like people read your mind and make it so easy for you to just say those forbidden words. I tried to control myself, I really did. It's just...  
  
"I told Remus that Severus likeshimandRemmiegotreallyupsetandleftlookingallsick-- Ithinkhe'sinhisroomrightnow, don'thurtme," I blurted, immediately kicking myself in the proverbial ass.  
  
'You did what!?!" James cried. "Sirius, you bastard! What did I tell you? You promised!"  
  
There was that word again...  
  
"God damnit, Sirius," James muttered, rushing up the stairs. Peter, inevitably, followed.  
  
Ah, it always went like this. Ooooof course....Sirius the Bastard. 


	4. That's simply wonderful

Author's Note: Is it possible? Will she update TWICE in the same day?  
  
Yes. Very possible.  
  
Here I go. Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own Remus, Sirius, James, or Severus. Tough world, huh? None of them are mine...except in dreams. : P (peter I can do without...)  
  
THE FOLLOWING IS IN REMUS LUPIN'S POV  
  
Do you ever notice that once you know someone likes you, they suddenly appear attractive? Doesn't matter who the person was to you before, as long as you know they like you, you know they have good attributes.  
  
This is true for just about any human, but who would have ever thought I would take a second look at Severus Snape? Who knew I would like that second look more than the first?  
  
I came into the Great Hall the following breakfast, groggy and probably on the same level with the walking dead. Then, as I was putting ice on the back of my neck and ears to wake up I saw him.  
  
He didn't look like any normal mop. Not at all. He was rather clean today, his hair sleek and straight but not greasy, framing a perfectly pale face, even though it still looked a tad waxy. His cheeks weren't at all sullen and gaunt, but rather forming softly over his bones, the circles around his eyes gone, revealing an unmarred look at the black and white eyes, thankfully rid of their garnets. I never really did take a look at his eyes until I saw him today, eating his toast half-heartedly. They were....broken. Haunted...I didn't know why. I wanted so badly to find out.  
  
Black was definitely his color, I noted, gazing fondly at his lithe body, dark robes draped over his shoulders in what seemed like a rush. It was really fasc----  
  
'Oh god,' I thought to myself, ' I'm thinking about a boy.'  
  
I dropped my toast when I saw Severus glance up at me and raise his eyebrows, sneering slightly. Quickly looking down I pushed myself from the table and stood, walking out.  
  
"Oi, Remus, where you goin'?" James asked, leaning back.  
  
"Er--I forgot some homework, James, just going to finish it."  
  
I skidded down the hall straight to the bathrooms, thinking to myself that maybe I'd be more suited towards the girls' room, but went into the mens' room just in case a real, straight girl was in there. I tore open the door, pushed the toilet cover down, sat and slammed the stall shut, bringing my knees to my chin and staring straight ahead in shock.  
  
"Severus Snape"  
  
I just sat in silent thought, probably not blinking even once. I was too frightened if I did I would faint. I felt even sicker than the night before. Pictures rushed into my mind of how much we tortured him through all these years, as if it was just one continuous film. Thoughts poured into me of our dispicable exchanges--Severus wasn't the nicest person either. I was disgusted yet thrilled at the same time. None of it made sense to me--it couldn't. Everything happened too fast  
  
But what was I supposed to do?  
  
Nothing, I decided. Not until I was sure I did like him for more than the knowledge that he liked me. That would require me to talk to him.  
  
What would Sirius, James, and Peter think? I didn't care. At the moment they really didn't control my thoughts, they couldn't tell me what to do with my heart...as for the rest of the kids at school...Well, I had no reason to try and impress them, so as far as they were concerned wasn't very far at all.  
  
I burst out of the lavatory, a strange, naive confidence about me as I marched back down the hallway where everyone was getting out of the Great Hall on their way to get their books. I spotted him throwing away a napkin and rushed up behind him.  
  
''S-Severus, hi! How are you d-doing?" I asked, stumbling like a fool with my mouth and my feet.  
  
"What do you want?" he asked, not even looking at me. He was so adorably sly--no---know your enemy, Remus.  
  
"To talk with you?" I muttered, blushing slightly.  
  
" If you haven't noticed, I am just a little bit busy..." he replied sharply, setting off at a quicker pace.  
  
"That's okay, we have the same class next period. Say, I know you're really good at Arithmancy, how was the homework for you?" I asked sweetly, looking up at him.  
  
Severus stopped and just glared down at me. "Listen--you and I aren't pals, and your little group makes a nice point of that, so what do you really want? I'm in no mood for a prank, Lupin," he said wearily.  
  
"....To be your friend," I told him sincerely.  
  
He was taken aback and I almost enjoyed it. I could feel a warm smile forming on my face as I gave him my most honest gaze. He continued to look down at me as a small smirk, strangely returning my warmth, formed on his lips and he rolled his eyes, shook his head, and continued his speed- walking. I stood, watching him leave, looked at the ground for a moment, then ran again to catch up, passing Sirius and Peter on the way.  
  
"Remus--"  
  
"Have to go, guys, bye!" I called hurriedly, walking with Severus, trying to match his pace. I was grinning in a way I never have. "So, um-- you believe me, right?"  
  
"Believe a man who has spent 4 years with his group of friends trying to make my life a living hell? Transforms every month into a man-eating monster? Of course I trust you," he sneered.  
  
'' Severus, please, I'm not joking around. I want to make it up to you. I want to get to know you, maybe become your friend," I pleaded.  
  
He stopped walking again and inertia took a second to get used to it as I stopped as well. How could he do so many things and stop them all in a millisecond? It was fascinating.  
  
"What happened? Lost a bet? Got in a fight with your precious Sirius and James?" he asked.  
  
"This is purely my own decision," I told him honestly, but when I thought about it--was I really trying to spite Sirius and James or be his friend? Now was not the time to decide.  
  
"....Why is it I still don't believe you?"  
  
"I don't know, but Severus---I wholeheartedly want to be your friend. Seeing you yesterday without anyone to comfort you....I stayed up all night thinking about it. This isn't just a whim. I really, truly, deeply want to get to know you," I said softly and reached for his hand, holding it.  
  
He tore away. "God---fine, whatever, follow me around, but don't touch me, okay?"  
  
Good enough! 


	5. That's simply silly

Author's note: Hm...not many reviews. No prob.  
  
Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own Remus, Sirius, James, or Severus. Tough world, huh? None of them are mine...except in dreams. : P (peter I can do without...)  
  
THE FOLLOWING IS SEVERUS SNAPE....enjoy.  
  
I asked him what he wanted. I could never have expected what followed  
  
"....To be your friend," Lupin said simply.  
  
I would have to describe myself only as completely dumbfounded. And happy, of course, but still dumbfounded. Then both subsided when I realized he was lying. I merely smirked and walked off...but he caught up.  
  
"So you--um--believe me, right?''  
  
I couldn't believe he asked this. Of course I didn't believe him. Severus Snape didn't have friends at all and never would, much less friends in the most irrritating Gryffindor clique in school.  
  
'' Severus, please, I'm not joking around. I want to make it up to you. I want to get to know you, maybe become your friend," he implored.  
  
"What happened? Lost a bet? Got in a fight with your precious Sirius and James?"  
  
"This is purely my own decision."  
  
"Why is it I still don't believe you?"  
  
""I don't know, but Severus---I wholeheartedly want to be your friend. Seeing you yesterday without anyone to comfort you....I stayed up all night thinking about it. This isn't just a whim. I really, truly, deeply want to get to know you," he murmured, taking my hand in his. WAY too much at one time. I recoiled and sighed.  
  
"God---fine, whatever, follow me around, but don't touch me, okay?"  
  
He consented and I hurried to Potions, him trailing behind me. I would have done anything to get him off my back so I could enter my favorite class alone and sit at my usual solitary table, but there are some things you just can't control.  
  
Opening the dungeon door I saw the usual black cauldrons set around the various tables, one in the very front bubbling slightly, filling the room with a sickly sort of steam. I sat down at the middle table in the second row, thinking he'd sit somewhere with his friends when they arrived, but then I remembered---I was his supposed friend now. He pulled up a stool and sat beside me, smiling slightly.  
  
"...A-aren't you going to...."  
  
"I want to sit with you today, Severus," he responded simply, giving me one of those looks again that I could not comprehend at all.  
  
"...........Alright."  
  
The other students filed in and rested in their usual seats, an unsual amount of gabbering amongst them, but nothing so...passionate as when Black and Potter came in.  
  
"James! What the hell is Remus doing!?!" I heard Black whisper. A grin came over my face as I took out my book, trying my hardest not to laugh.  
  
'' Sirius, calm down, he's just--"  
  
" He's---fraternizing with the enemy, James! You're not going to just let him do this, are you?"  
  
"Well...yeah? Nothing I can do about it, Padfoot..."  
  
Potter and Black sat down, Black still muttering something about indecency and the moon causing too many problems. My smile only widened when I looked over at Lupin who was completely unaffected by it, even though I'm sure he heard it too. How did I not guess that something like this was inevitable? Why did it make me so pleased to see them fussing over a talk between one of theirs and me?  
  
Class began and we were about to make a Sere Salis, a potion for tranquility and peace of mind.  
  
" Um, Severus?"  
  
"What?''  
  
"...Well..."  
  
I looked over at the belladonna root, the lavender, rosemary, and lotus, all chopped up and, actually---mutilated.  
  
"I'm sorry," he muttered, clasping his hands together and hiding them under the table. Normally I'd just tell him to not touch anything and let me handle it, but I figured there was no reason; He did try.  
  
'Eh--It's alright, just....Here." I took the cutting board from him and cleaned up the piteous ingrediants. "Okay, while I'm doing this---you can stir, right? You won't mess that up, I think..." I muttered, lifting up the cauldron and setting it on his side with the burner.  
  
"Yes, sir, I can do that." He switched on the burner and rested the cauldron over it, adding each measured herb as I finished fixing them. When it was to be left to simmer, he began cleaning up. I picked up a rag and wiped down the chopping board.  
  
"You don't need to do that. You already did enough work and I barely helped. You just sit right there and I'll be right back after I throw this away," he smiled, leaving.  
  
"Just what exactly are you trying to accomplish, Snivellus?"  
  
I turned to see Black leaning over a vacant table behind me, glaring with more ferocity than I have ever seen in his eyes since that one day.  
  
"I haven't a clue what you're trying to say, Black," I muttered, picking up the rag again.  
  
"Don't give me that shit, Snape," he spat. "You know we know already, so cut it out. You and I both know you haven't got a chance."  
  
I just laughed. "I don't follow you, Black, but even if I did, there'd only be one thing I'd have to say to you---"  
  
Lupin was back, eyes fixed on Black as he bit his lip. I considered it far wiser not to continue this in front of him and merely turned in my chair back to the table. He sat down again, checking the potion.  
  
"Everything alright?" he inquired.  
  
'Just fine," I muttered, scratching the back of my head with my middle finger, earning a growl from Black behind me as he stamped off. 


	6. That's simply atrocious

Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own Remus, Sirius, James, or Severus. Tough world, huh? None of them are mine...except in dreams. : P (peter I can do without...)  
  
Author's note-Been a LONG time since I updated. So soz. Well, I hope this chappie lives up to your unreasonably high expectations! Just kidding. This is actually a short chapter because I want the rest of this story to be in Remus's POV. I like to write in Remus, it's so much easier.  
  
THIS IS FROM SIRIUS BLACK'S POV....enjoy  
  
Remus MUST have been trying to get back at me. Why, though? What in the hell had I done wrong? I suppose I could understand what he might not be comfortable with....Yes, I hated Snape because he was infatuated with Remus. But that wasn't the only reason we tormented him---he was swimming in the dark arts--and he attacked us as well.  
  
And you could NOT expect me to take that sitting down.  
  
So I had a pleasant chat with Snivellus.  
  
"Just what exactly are you trying to accomplish, Snivellus?" I whispered harshly, leaning across the counter when Remus had left.  
  
"I haven't a clue what you're trying to say, Black."  
  
"Don't give me that shit, Snape," I seethed. "You know we know already, so cut it out. You and I both know you haven't got a chance."  
  
He snickered and I was just about ready to hex him if I didn't see Moony approaching that very second. "I don't follow you, Black, but even if I did, there'd only be one thing I'd have to say to you---"  
  
Remus stared at me, one of those looks that would say "Just what do you think you're doing?'' if it had a voicebox. I raised my eyebrows and smirked, walking away, but not before seeing Snape flip me off. I became furious and stomped back to James.  
  
"DID YOU FUCKING SEE THAT---"  
  
"Padfoot, shut up. You're so loud--"  
  
"No! James, this is going to far when Remus won't even let me--er--- talk with Snivellus," I muttered, glaring at the two of them.  
  
"You weren't whispering death threats this time, then?" James laughed.  
  
"Only hinting."  
  
"Yeah, well, you know my opinion on the subject. I hate Snivellus with every fiber of my body, but..."  
  
I looked at James and sighed, shaking my head. Why he had a soft spot lately for Snape I had no clue. Maybe because he just saved his life and the hero-itis wasn't wearing off yet....Nevertheless, he baffled me beyond conception. I merely scoffed and tossed the rag into the bucket they were passing around.  
  
"I'm gonna go bring the vial to the professor. Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone," he mumbled, scooping some Sere Salis into the bottle and capping it.  
  
Once James was gone, I continued to rack my brain for why I was so confused at this whole ordeal, why it affected me so much. On the whole I thought that I wouldn't really be too upset if Remus decided to leave us. I mean, sure, he was one of my best friends but I made a point of not feeling too attached to anyone, no matter how close they were to me. But now there was nobody in the world I would like to be with more than Remus J. Lupin. Nobody I'd rather lose at chess or quidditch or run through the forest until our lungs were dry than Moony. And that's when it dawned upon me.  
  
James returned to find me most likely staring off into space, completely and utterly dumbfounded.  
  
'Um, Sirius? Time to go to Transfiguration. Come on," he muttered. I almost sighed in relief. Trans. was our only class without Slytherins, and one that I rather excelled in. Now I could maybe talk to Remus--if I wasn't, for the first time in my life, too shy to.  
  
We marched over to McGonagall's room, me trying to control my breath and Peter seeming to lose his trying to keep up with us. I was already red.  
  
Resting in our normal seats, I made a point of sitting next to Remus, him looking completely confused. I gave him a weak smile and fumbled around with my bag nervously.  
  
'Sirius...? What's wrong?" he asked kindly.  
  
What was wrong with me is I just found something out about myself. I loved Remus J. Lupin. 


	7. That's simply confusing

Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own Remus, Sirius, James, or Severus. Tough world, huh? None of them are mine...except in dreams. : P (peter I can do without...)  
  
Author's note-GAH! I haven't updated in SO long! Thanks to all who stick with me, though! I LOVE YOU ALL!  
  
THIS IS FROM REMUS LUPIN'S POV....huzzah  
  
I figured it was a dumb idea to hold a grudge against Sirius for long. He had this charm that makes it quite impossible. He made a huge fuss over sitting next to me, so I figured we'd have a chance to talk anyway. However, Transfiguration was deafeningly silent this time around, and when I glanced over at Sirius, his hands were trembling.  
  
"Sirius...? What's wrong?" I asked kindly as possible.  
"What's wrong? Nothing's wrong, Remus." His head stayed low as he rummaged through his bag. I smiled and nodded.  
"Okay, Siri". I heard a small sigh and thought I just imagined it. There was no doubt about it, he was acting peculiar lately.  
McGonagall went on to explain about turning muggle water bottles into deodorant and I leaned over to Sirius.  
"I just want to let you know that no mater how close I seem to be trying to get to Severus, it in no way compares to being your friend, Sirius. For that matter, sure I would be more than pleased to spend all of my time with you three and not with Snape, but I feel we owe him something. I won't jump to any accusations just yet about his motives if I were you, Sirius, because so far he has been a completely innocent and kind man. And I think maybe, some day, you could grow to understand each other or at least respect one another. Homosexuality isn't such a terrible thing, Sirius, and I know I'd most certainly still be fond of you if you told me you were gay. He should be no different. It's the same as being a werewolf. Some things you just can't help, Siri, and does that make it evil or sick? No. But I'm going to try and forget it because I don't want him to stand in the way of our---"  
"Mr. Lupin, please pay attention," Mc Gonagall snapped. I stopped and leaned back, seeing only black hair covering his probably indescribable face.   
  
' So, Remus, figure you'll be coming to watch our quidditch practice again today?" James asked, hyper as ever.  
"Would you mind terribly if I don't today? I actually have some studying to catch up on--" I muttered, hoping they didn't see my bluff.  
"Remus, extra credit isn't studying," Peter laughed. I forced myself to smile.  
'You sure, Moony?" James pleaded. Sometimes I wondered why HE had puppy dog eyes, too.  
"Yeah, I'm real sorry, but I have to do this before time runs out. I'll see you later, though!" I called, running down the hall in the opposite direction. I spotted the library and ran inside to find exactly what I was looking for.  
'How did I know you'd find me here?"  
"Just lucky, I guess," I smiled. Severus smiled too, but shook his head.  
"You're a nuisance, you realize..."  
'Well, I could only hope so," I grinned. " But I was wondering if maybe you could help me, you know, give me a private lesson in Potions? I've really been having some trouble in it, and you're the best in the school, Severus."  
" If you're going to use me as a tutor, then--"  
'' No! This is just a request while I try to get to know you. Really. I would never dream of taking advantage of you, Severus," I smiled sincerely. But then I did think of 'taking advantage' of him and had to stop myself quickly. As far as I was concerned, things may have been going too fast, much more toward a desired goal rather than just enjoying a journey there. And besides, I wasn't even sure if I really did like Severus that way or if it was just the full moon taking over. But I suppose I had a while to find out.  
  
. 


	8. That's simply hilarious

Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own Remus, Sirius, James, or Severus. Tough world, huh? None of them are mine...except in dreams. : P (peter I can do without...)  
  
Author's note-Woo! 2 new reviews! Hee. Well, here's another update. I'm worried it's out of character...  
  
THIS IS FROM SEVERUS SNAPE'S POINT 'o' VIEW.  
  
I sat in the library, 4 books to my right and one open. When the time came for me to go back to my dorm and hang out with my fellow Slytherins, I found myself doing the more realistic-- reading or studying. Like my mother said, I didn't have friends...Well, maybe I was about to. I wasn't sure. It became almost impossible for me to decide between friend and foe, so I went to the more likely--foe. I'm not sure whether that makes me stronger or weaker.  
  
While I read in peace and quiet, light footsteps approached and I was overcome with mixed emotion of hatred and hope.  
  
'How did I know you'd find me here?" I asked, not lifting my eyes to his face.  
  
"Just lucky, I guess," Lupin mused.  
  
"You're a nuisance, you realize..." I turned another page, even though I hadn't read the first one. I tried to make it look like I was too busy to have my air occupied by other solid objects.  
  
"Well, I could only hope so," he laughed. " But I was wondering if maybe you could help me, you know, give me a private lesson in Potions? I've really been having some trouble in it, and you're the best in the school, Severus."  
  
" If you're going to use me as a tutor, then--"  
  
" No! This is just a request while I try to get to know you. Really. I would never dream of taking advantage of you, Severus," he murmured. I tried not to think of the implications I wanted him to mean and continued to fake my reading.  
  
"So...er--lessons, hm?...And how on earth do you think we'll manage that, Re--Lupin...?" I muttered, not daring to look up still.  
  
"Well, I've asked the professor about it and he said we could use his room. I told him I would be needing some extra practice. When I mentioned your name he was pleased to let me," he added.  
  
"That so...?' I asked, setting down my quill and looking up. "So what are you proposing I do, then, Lupin? You want me to teach you _what_, exactly?"  
  
"Well...You know best, Severus. I'm guessing there's millions of potions out there. I just want you to help me with the ones we need to know, if you please,'' he asked innocently. I leaned back in my chair , eyebrows raised.  
  
"Alright."  
  
"You'll do it?!"  
  
"Yeah. I'll do it."  
  
'Wow--Severus, thank you so much! I promise tha--"  
  
"What time?"  
  
"Hm?"  
  
"What time do you want to learn, Lupin?" I asked simply, chewing on my quill.  
  
"Oh...well, how about tomorrow at 4?" he asked.  
  
"Suits me fine. We'll begin with the Energy potion, then. That should be an easy one to start with. Until then, however, I would like very much if you'd keep out of my sight."  
  
Slightly downtrodden, yet still annoyingly cheerful, he nodded and grinned. "Thanks a lot, Severus. I promise you won't regret it!" he called, leaving at last. I gave a small nod of response and waited until he was gone to reach for the third book on the pile, opening it to the 6th chapter and skimming it through.  
  
Chapter SIX: 5th Year Potions for the Curious Learners  
I. Draught of Happiness  
II. Energy Serum  
III. Pity Sugar Syrup  
IV. Gold tincture  
V. Superb Flyer potion  
VI. Friend-foe finder  
VII. Eros Arrow  
  
My breath stopped when I realized that in only 6 lessons I would be testing a love potion on Remus J. Lupin, less if he was a quick learner. I trembled as I thought of the effects that might take place, that the first person Remus would see would be me, and he would instantly be infatuated. When weighing these possibilities, one finds oneself disgusted with one's imagination, and decides to do the unthinkable---leave the potion up to the other to decide if he wants to do it at all. When luck strikes me, I consider it a joke. After all, it usually is.  
  
I picked up my books and checked out with the lirbrarian, heart still racing as I tried to push said thoughts out of my sick little mind.   
  
"_Hey, Snivellus..."_  
  
I turned around and saw Sirius Black leaning against the wall, hair covering most of his face. Glancing at him I would have thought I saw myself, if it wasn't for the fact that he had Gryffindor embroidered on his chest.  
  
"I'm in no mood for your shit, Black."  
  
"That's fine, I'm in no mood to give you any," he muttered, pushing his hair back and casting a sidelong glance at me.  
  
"Then what do you want?"  
  
"Not to be your friend, that's for sure," he spat.  
  
"Then you can just move aside--"  
  
"But I don't want to be on Remus's bad side. That's the last thing I want, Snivelly. If you're going to contribute to that, then I can make your life a living hell."  
  
"What do you mean make, it already is--" I began, pushing him aside.  
  
"You're going to hear me out, Mr. Doom and Gloom," he said, pulling out his wand. "As I said, I don't want to be on Remus's bad side and I don't think you do, either. However, you are now competition. Competition that is proving to be hard to overcome--"  
  
'Competition--?"  
  
"Like I said, _competition._ Deaf, Snape? Now, I know you understand what I'm saying. You must by now. I've dropped enough hints for even a slimeball like you to gather what I'm telling you. I may add that if you breathe a word of it to Remus I will have no hesitation in feeding you to Hagrid's pets. But--I won't do anything unless you really provoke me. I'm offering something I thought I never would, Snape--and that is a truce," he ended, putting away his wand and replacing it with an open hand.  
  
"A truce..."  
  
" An agreement that neither of us will sabotage each other when around Remus. However, I cannot be held responsible for what happens to you when he's not around if you fuck things up," he added.  
  
"You're out of your mind." I walked past him, but he pulled on my hood and forced me to turn.  
  
"Snape, it's a rare thing I swallow my pride and offer this up to my worst of enemies. If you don't accept it I will not be held responsible for how I treat you. However, I am offering up a truce so we both don't permanently ruin this."  
  
I thought for a second and then looked at him. "You're queer."  
  
"Do we have an accord?" he demanded.  
  
"_You fancy Lupin_."  
  
" I will repeat, do we have a fucking accord?"  
  
" You tortured me for all these years and now **YOU** have a man crush on your best friend."  
  
"Snivellus, you're trying my patience. Give me an answer now or forget it.  
  
I forced myself not to laugh at these circumstances. I smirked and nodded.  
  
"I have nothing to lose. Consider the treaty signed."  
  
. 


	9. That's simply horrible

Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own Remus, Sirius, James, or Severus. Tough world, huh? None of them are mine...except in dreams. : P (peter I can do without...)  
  
Author's note-Another update because I like writing! Tell me honestly if either was out of character and I'll edit, k guys?  
  
THIS IS FROM Sirius Black's... point...of....view...  
  
Honestly, I don't know why anyone thinks Snape is intelligent. From what I gathered during our conversation, he is by far the most moronic kid at this school besides Peter. I left without another word or look, my insides burning with more contempt than I thought I could ever feel. If Remus did decide he loved this---imbecile, I would be so awestruck I couldn't keep myself around any more.  
  
But as it turned out, my feelings for Remus shouldn't have been a surprise to me. As my mind raced along all of our moments together, it only seemed natural I would wind up falling in love with him. For years now it seemed I had been unwittingly flirting with him, and I mean ferociously flirting. I'm shocked that he never was weirded out by my sitting in his lap and tell him things I never told anyone else, like when I thought I liked James. He was never offended by my strange outgoing behavior I really sort of saved for him.  
  
But Remus was the most attractive boy I had ever seen. He seemed to be made of honey and gold, and it was astonishing that underneath all of his calmness and polite manner he was a werewolf. I savored the fact that his skin was so perfect when he wore his uniform, save for that one visible scar--but when he was shirtless it was a collage of scars and healing cuts. He had not one freckle, but pure white skin that even the scars couldn't marr. His hair fell in such messy grace that even I couldn't manage. How could I, underneath all my playful teasing and ignorance of his presence not acknowledge this for so many years?  
  
A puzzle that, perhaps, I would never put together.  
  
And as I approached the common room I saw Remus climbing the stairs, face immersed in a book as usual.  
  
"Hey! Remus! Wait up...!" I called humbly, racing towards him. He turned around with that same forgiving expression and smiled slightly.  
  
"'Elo, Sirius."  
  
"Oh, just want to let you know that I was, in fact, listening to you during Transfiguration. So don't feel that I ignored you please--"  
  
"Oh, about that---Say, Sirius, could we talk some where private?" He pointed to the portrait a flight above us, which when the correct password was given, led to a neat hallway. I nodded and we took a left, up to the picture of a thin child with flowers and red hair. "Lilac goldenfinches."  
  
The girl swung aside to reveal the red corridor and Remus led me inside, closing the portrait behind me, then sitting down on the royal purple carpet facing one another. The close proximity to him was making me dizzy as I could smell lavender and sandalwood.  
  
"Um--so, yeah, as I was saying, I understand what you mean and I think I acted a bit rashly. S-Snape wasn't doing a-anything wrong, I s- suppose and...." I stumbled.  
  
"You realized that quickly and I'm thrilled, Sirius," he smiled.  
  
"Yeah. S-So I had a talk with Sn-s-snape and we---er--worked out our differences. We formed a t-truce and..." Remus laughed. "What?"  
  
" A truce? That's just so unlike you, Siri. I'm really proud. What motivated you to do this? It can't have been just for me," he mused.  
  
The irony was mind boggling. "Well, actually, Remus, it was all for you. I think I should tell you now that..."  
  
"Oh, before you do, Siri, I need to confide in you about something. Promise me you won't laugh."  
  
"Remus, could I please just tell you and get it over with?"  
  
"Well, Sirius, if you must, then---"  
  
I didn't let him finish. I had enough temptation already without being this close to him and not doing anything about it. I was upon him, I pulled his shoulders so his lips met mine in the sweetest and most blindingly wonderful sensation I had ever felt before in my life. But before I could go any further he pulled back, eyes wide and mouth slightly open.  
  
'S-Sirius....'  
  
"I'm sorry, Remus. It's just that...." I stopped, my voice dying at that look of horror on his face.  
  
"Sirius, what is this about?" he asked quietly.  
  
"Remus, I'm going to give it to you straight...I really, really like you. Bordering on love here. Not even bordering--I fucking love you. Thinking that I might lose you was the worst feeling I ever had and it made me realize how important you really are," I muttered, barely audible I'm sure.  
  
'Sirius....I...."  
  
"I know, it's sudden, but if you think about it, we'd be perfect together and I'm sure James would be fine with us---"  
  
"No, Sirius, you don't understand...I'm really sorry, but I think I like Severus."  
  
If words we solid, that would have been a dagger and I would be dead by now. I could feel my lungs tighten and my stomach was in my feet, my heart taking place of my voicebox in my throat.  
  
".............Oh."  
  
"Sirius, I am really, really sorry. I'm not completely sure yet, I just am getting to know him and it may be a phase--please don't be upset," he told me softly, but that was no consolation.  
  
I stood up and heavily walked to the portal, barely making it through without my feet giving way. I stepped downstairs and through the Fat Lady's door, through the common room, up the stairs, over the clothes and quidditch supplies to my bed, lay face down, grabbed a pillow, and cried.  
  
. 


	10. That's simply difficult

Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own Remus, Sirius, James, or Severus. Tough world, huh? None of them are mine...except in dreams. : P (peter I can do without...)  
  
Author's note-ONE MORE! Oh, and Mango, you just keep watching. You may find the results at the end of this to be to your liking. However, I will not divulge anything--you may hate me. We'll see, eh? Hope you still like my story even though it's discouraging!  
  
THE FOLLOWING IS REMUS  
  
I was completely at a loss for words. How in the world should I have guessed that Sirius Black like me? My hand wandered slowly to my lips, I could still taste him. I looked down the hallway to the half open portrait and stood, walking to it. I left the way I came and sat outside the common room entrance on the stone staircase. As I sat there I thought of everything that I could do in my situation, now that I was so unsure. As far as I could see, there were 7 options.  
  
1. I could go get my books and wait by the Divination room until class began in an hour.  
2. I could go talk to Sirius.  
3. I could talk to James.  
4. I could go confess to Severus that I think I like him and see how he handles it before making any other bad moves.  
5. I could do nothing and keep thinking.  
6. I could weigh the affections of Sirius and Severus and decide which one I liked  
more, maybe ruining the life of the other and therefore going against my better  
judgement  
7. I could choose Sirius and just be Severus's friend.  
  
I decided that either my fourth or third option would be the most wise, but before I would do anything, I chose number 3 to be wisest and set on my search for James Potter.  
  
Didn't have to look far. The moment I entered the common room I saw him coming down from the dormitories. He glared at me and I could only guess at who he just talked to.  
  
"James, could we please talk?" I asked, a bit frightened as to what Sirius had told him.  
  
"Yeah, sure..." James muttered. We sat on opposite armchairs and I sighed.  
  
"I'm guessing Sirius already told you--"  
  
"That you broke his heart?"  
  
"N-No, I didn't mean to....James, it went like this. When I found out Severus liked me I sort of thought, you know, maybe I like him too. After getting to know him a little, I figured out that yes--I did like him. A lot. But I wasn't sure if that was me talking or me knowing he likes me talking. So, I thought maybe I could talk to Sirius and try to smooth things over. But when I did, he kissed me...and...yes, it was incredible, but I was certainly not ready for it. I was dumbfounded that he liked me, especially when he looked so down at Severus liking me. So, being the idiot I am, I immediately let slip that I thought I may like Severus. Then he just left. I never meant to make him feel like this, but now I am so conflicted. I may like Sirius too. All I know is that when he kissed me it was perhaps the best feeling I've ever had, better than when I'm around Severus and all I can think about right now is how long I wanted him to do that." I stopped and twiddled my thumbs. " I feel so terrible...like some sort of...slut.''  
  
James stared at me for a while and then sighed.  
  
"Well, if you put it that way, I don't know what to tell you. I think you should fess up to Snape and figure things out with him before jumping to conclusions. I'm not sure if he still likes you, but if he does--you want to be sure about it before you go and break Sirius's heart like that. He's never liked a guy like this before, and I know because he and I went out for a month...Remus, he's dead fond of you. He always was flirting with you, even when he didn't know it. But you know, you have to do what you have to do. I'll support you, I suppose," James murmured.  
  
"Thanks, James." And with that I set off to find Severus Snape.  
  
. 


	11. That's simply stupid of me

Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own Remus, Sirius, James, or Severus. Tough world, huh? None of them are mine...except in dreams. : P (peter I can do without...)  
  
Author's note-Hooray for reviews! I'm starting to build up to something, I think. Note that I'm not sure what I'm doing, this story is completely unplanned.  
  
THE FOLLOWING IS Severus SNAPE dood.  
  
I finally reached my common room without further interruption, save almost tripping on a carpet that was never there before. As I passed by the staircases I glimpsed Black stomping, crying like a baby into his common room. Seconds later he was followed by Lupin. What could make an insensitive oaf like him cry is beyond me, and truth be told, I didn't care.  
  
As my thoughts returned to tomorrow's lesson, the 'tableu' of a white jackrabbit with a waistcoat and an innocent female child in a periwinkle dress looking over the bush at him. Our common room portal.  
  
"Cellophane."  
  
The door swung open, revealing a rather typical Slytherin scene. Lucius Malfoy and his lackeys sat on the couch, random girls from varied years and houses sitting in their laps, all of them holding firewiskey and cigerettes. They were taking out their heroin and marijuana and I deemed it best to head upstairs immediately. Suddenly there was a knock on the picture at the end of the room as I was halfway up the stairs. I turned to hear a very drunk Lucius call out:  
  
" Snape, dnyour ickle fwiend fwom Gwiffendork iz here..."  
  
I backed down the stairs and pushed Lucius aside, surprised he didn't collapse from his intoxication and closed the portrait before I saw who had called upon me.  
  
"Severus, we need to talk," Lupin whispered. He sounded anxious.  
  
"....We need to talk," I repeated, slightly confused but trying to hide it.  
  
"Yes...Do you have anywhere private we can go?" he asked hesitantly. He was playing with his tie, and I had never seen him so worried. I escorted him down the hall to the little nook where I had sat many times before until Potter popped out from under the stones.  
  
''What do you want, Lupin?" I asked, making sure not to sound harsh. That was the first time I took notice of my natural tendancy to jump down people's throats before I knew what they asked for. "Something important?"  
  
"Very....Er--Severus...You see...It goes like this...Just recently I found something out about you. I found out that you l-liked me." My heart stopped. So that was the reason he insisted on being in my company. Teasing. " But I want to assure you right now--I had no ill feelings about you from the moment I found out till right now, and I will never have a problem with it. But, there is a matter that we need to clear up before things become too mixed up that we can't resolve anything."  
  
I couldn't respond. I couldn't speak. My breath was somewhere else, perhaps my feet. I had no idea whether to tell him to shove off or to listen and see if it would be to my liking. I had too much hope.  
  
"The thing you need to know right now is....I like you. I like you in t-that way. I don't know if you still like me like I like you, Severus, but I felt it was best for us to both get it out in the open before any more hearts were broken."  
  
"...N......No." I was as shocked as you are. "Remus, I can't. I--I won't. I don't know who you heard it from, but I don't like you. Point of fact, I dispise you. A Gryffindor werewolf--a monster, and a human from Slytherin? Where was your head, Lupin? Probably yet another plot from your little Marauders to find another thing wrong with me. Well, you could tell them this time that they have it completely wrong, a little honest truth from me to you. And one more thing---don't try to be my friend unless you mean it. Honestly...." I finished on a whisper as quiet as I began, stood up, gave him a last look of fake disgust and walked back into the common room. Another glance at the inebriated dorm mates of mine and I was sent out of my misery. Would I wind up like them? Some girl hanging on my every word simply because she's drunk? Would I wind up like Lucius, telling every lie known to man just to try and get in a girl's pants? I decided, no.  
  
Worst comes to worst and I would never have a relationship. On second thought, it was the best plan of action. Boy or girl, I wasn't made for this kind of thing, no matter how much I wanted it. It was all fake, anyway.  
  
Just like Remus J. Lupin.  
  
When I thought about it more that night, however, I found my pillow and face soaked with tears I didn't remember crying. But I did remember the thoughts that must have passed throught me when I did. I missed my one chance that I would never, as long as I lived. I missed my one chance at the boy I had loved since my first year. 5 years wasted in one single moment.  
  
As disgusted with Remus as I thought I was, nothing could compare to how much I hated myself.  
. 


	12. That's simply sweet

Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own Remus, Sirius, James, or Severus. Tough world, huh? None of them are mine...except in dreams. : P (peter I can do without...)  
  
Author's note-Sad yet sweet.  
  
THE FOLLOWING IS IN POOR Sirius's POV  
  
James hussled back up to the dormitories and I hadn't budged an inch. I still sat, pillow clutched to my chin. I stopped crying, there was nothing left to cry anymore. Instead I stared, almost oblivious.  
  
"Say, Siri, some good news, I think." James sat on the end of the bed and rested his hand on my knee. I looked down at it and then back at him, probably more pathetic than ever. " Remus certainly doesn't hate you. Matter of fact, he said that when you kissed him it was the most beautiful feeling he ever felt, better then when he's around Snape."  
  
I just kept staring. "And what do you want me to say, James. Do you want me to say that makes it better?"  
  
"Well, it should, Sirius. After all, that's a huge improvement to being unattracted to someone in the slightest. Honestly, lighten up. He's going to talk to Snape now and sort things out because he doesn't want anyone's heart to be broken. That's an honorable thing for him to sort things out, Siri."  
  
"It would be more honorable if he'd just fucking decide instead of playing us both."  
  
"Sirius, please stop with the drama. This is just a crush, and if things don't go as planned, the sky won't fucking fall," James snapped. "Sometimes you just drive me crazy."  
  
I silenced myself because I knew I didn't have anything intelligent to reply with.  
  
"Anyway, I think I hear him coming in, so that's a good sign they didn't just let go and shag. I'm gonna be taking a shower, so just---get comfortable or something..." James continued coldly, moving toward the bathroom.  
  
I sat still and watched him go, listening for the sounds of someone approaching. The footsteps came closer and I felt myself grasping the pillow with white knuckles. I let loose a bit and waited only to see Kristopher Long coming in and grabbing a scarf before leaving. Then it was just silent. As I thought of James's 'comforting' words of 'they're not shagging' , I kept praying the next person in would be Remus, but for 10 minutes there was completely nothing. I turned around and rested my face deep in the pillow. 5-7 minutes passed before I felt a hand on my back. I lifted my eyes, thinking I'd see James when I spotted Remus Lupin at my bedside, eyes just as red as my own must have been.  
  
"Sirius, I know you must hate me now, but I think that we are at last even. Now you know the sense of betrayal I felt when you revealed me to Severus that night. I realize they are completely different, but the feeling's the same--"  
  
"You weren't dumped, Lupin--"  
  
"Not that time, but just now I was--"  
  
"Not by your best friend of 5 years," I snapped. He looked down and sighed.  
  
"That's true. But try to understand things from my point of view. Just recently I found out a guy liked me. Before then, nobody had ever liked me except for girls who thought I was 'mysterious'. I did what most normal people do, I react with liking them back. This was before I got to know Severus. Today I finally think I do. And Sirius--I don't like what I know now. And, obviously, neither does he when it comes to me. I misjudged him. But yet another thing happened--my best friend kissed me out of the blue without any warning or build up what so ever. You can understand my surprise. I acted dumb, I'll admit." Remus stopped and his voice was barely above a whisper.  
  
"But, Sirius--I was really, really happy you did. I was so thrilled that you, Sirius Black, kissed me."  
  
For some reason hearing the same speech from him was so much more clear than hearing it from James. I could forgive him that very instant if it wasn't for my pride.  
  
"Then why didn't you tell me this when it happened?"  
  
"Sirius, I was confused, I didn't know what to think! What would you do if you thought I was straight and so never liked me then all of a sudden, when you thought you liked someone else--I kissed you. What if you really liked it and you realized you had to stop one relationship now and you chose the wrong one?"  
  
"Chose the wrong one...?"  
  
"Severus is the farthest thing from right for me. Sirius, I can't believe I never realized this before now---I love you. I really do. I think we've loved each other for years before now, but we've just been too silly to notice. I want to remedy that tonight. I want to tell you that....I'm sorry. If you never can forgive me, it'll be understandable. But if you can't love me any more, at least be my friend.''  
  
My voice was dead from tears and the overwhelming sense of gratitude at his comment. I didn't know whether to ask him to hold me or leave me alone. I, instead of either, let loose and grabbed his shoulders, burying my head in his chest, tears I didn't even know I had left dampening his tie. He wrapped his arms around me and pat my back.  
  
"I don't want to just be your friend, Remus...There's no way in hell I would be able to not love you," I whispered, arms around his waist.  
  
"Alright, Sirius. It's alright...I promise nothing like this will ever happen again. I'm sorry." He lowered his head so his cheek was on my hair and we sat like this until the bathroom door slammed open.  
  
"Oh...er-sorry," muttered James, emerging in a cloud of shower steam. 


	13. That's simply interesting

Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own Remus, Sirius, James, or Severus. Tough world, huh? None of them are mine...except in dreams. : P (peter I can do without...)  
  
Author's note-Hmm...my chapters are kinda short, huh? Oh, by the by--Thank you very much for your reviews! I hope this story is very much to your liking and that it only gets better from here on out.  
  
THE FOLLOWING IS IN REMUS'S HANDWRITING  
  
"Oh...Sorry," James muttered, towel around his waist.  
  
I quickly sat back from Sirius and blushed. I knew Sirius and James went out before, but I still didn't think it polite to be embracing a boy in front of a dormmate, much less an ex. Sirius laughed and James cleaned his ears out with an extra towel, pretending nothing happened.  
  
"So, Remus, I was thinking about the Animagi problem and I thought that perhaps we should focus on just Siri and I before we worry too much about Peter's failiure at the whole thing," he commented casually, putting on his clothes.  
  
"I think that'd be best," Sirius added, wiping his face, also ignoring that a second ago we were in an emotional muck. I tried to follow suit.  
  
"Well...no. Personally, I'd like it a lot better if you two would avoid the whole mess in general," I replied, standing up and leaning against the bureau. "As lovely as it would be to have you two with me, I'd be at my very worst--I wouldn't even be able to recognize you. I could hate you as a werewolf and kill you--I don't want to take any chances, James."  
  
"For some reason I have my doubts about that, Remus," James laughed. "Even as a werewolf you have some humanity in you."  
  
'Don't be too sure," I answered grimly. "I just don't want to hurt anyone."  
  
"And we don't want you to hurt yourself, so let us handle it! Werewolves are only a harm to people, not a dog and a stag," Sirius continued, putting down the pillow and sitting on the edge of the bed. "Trust us to do these things right. We know what we're doing."  
  
"...Sirius," I whispered, " I don't want you to see me at my worst."  
  
"Well, Remus, I'll have to see you naked sometime," he responded innocently. I jumped back and heard James laugh.  
  
"Remus, don't think about it too much. We'll handle things. Besides, I think in my gut the only one in danger of being bit is Peter, but that's stating the obvious." James always did this. He made the argument turn into gossip so one would have no idea whether to retort of laugh. One usually did the latter.  
  
"Almost dinner, guys," Sirius muttered, looking at the clock on his table. We slipped on our robes and headed downstairs.  
  
"What do you figure Snape's problem is?" Peter asked between mouthfuls of potatoes. I had tried not to look at him all night, which was tough because he was directly in my sight across the tables.  
  
"Er--I dunno, Pete..." I took a sip of tea and stared at the pie on my plate. I wasn't very hungry at all, so I merely shoved it to the corner and gave it a bit of a glare.  
  
"Angry at chicken, Moons?" Sirius laughed.  
  
" Not very hungry is all."  
  
James raised his eyebrows and turned around to see Snape stabbing his broccoli.  
  
"Oh..." James muttered.  
  
" What's that supposed to mean, James?" Sirius barked.  
  
James looked at me and then back at his plate. "Nothing, Sirius. Keep eating."  
  
There were many times during my life when I wondered with all my might what James one soft spot with Severus was all about. This was one of them. While James would be the head of the group when it came time to torture Snape, he would take a back seat and calm others down when the subject of Severus's sexuality or relationship with me came up. It wasn't recent, I noticed, because ever since he found out, he'd have that one moment of regret. I thought, perhaps, that it was because James, being bisexual, found it hypocritical to torture someone for their sexual preference. Then I thought it may be just his way of making up for all the other unnecessary pain we caused him. Or maybe just James doing his 'random hero' bit. I never really was sure, though.  
  
All I could be sure of, however, was that I was eternally grateful to James for his hesitations in situations like these. I was indebted to him for his silence and benevolence when matter of Severus's heart came up. Neither he nor I ever meant for things like this to happen, and I think the most unspoken, mutual understanding we had was in situations like these, a silent 'thank you' that passed from me to him, a 'you're welcome' in esp- return.  
  
Then Severus tapped on my shoulder. 


	14. That's simply pitiful

Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own Remus, Sirius, James, or Severus. Tough world, huh? None of them are mine...except in dreams. : P (peter I can do without...)  
  
Author's note-Funny story---I really actually don't like Severus.   
  
THE FOLLOWING IS BY SEVERUS SNAPE

As much as I knew I would regret it, I went down to the Great Hall for dinner. However, I found myself looking not at a Remus sitting with Black, but next to the disgusting, ratty, round Pettigrew child. As relieving as I thought it would be, if action wasn't taken it would not be another hour before Black would have won Lupin over at last. It was rather inevitable. 5 years of friendship does more than 5 years of silent adoration, however better one person may be for the other compared to the adversary at hand. But there was still time if I built up to courage to clear up the matter with Lupin after escorting him away after dinner. The key phrase is IF in that sentance, though. As it should be known, I was not one for courage. During my thoughts I found myself attacking various dinner foods on my plate until I noticed the mushy mess of pie, broccoli, and some red product on my dish was making me slightly nauseated. So I pushed it aside, aware that my fake hungry had ebbed as quickly as it came.

Dialogue raced through my mind. Various apologies and 'I have loved you since my first year' re-ran like muggle sitcoms in my brain until I thought I had the best idea of what to tell him--if I ever did. But what did someone in my position have to lose, after all. I was a friendless Slytherin who had a gay crush on a beautiful Gryffindor whose friends dispised me in every way. Dignity was of no matter any more. There was, in fact, nothing to stop me. So, I stood up from the table and, as nonchalantly as I could manage, strolled up to Lupin and tapped lightly on his shoulder. He turned very quickly, but without coldness. I was grateful for this.

"Er--Lupin, may I speak with you?" If there was dignity to lose, I would have felt its absence right about now.

"Of course, Severus," he replied calmly, standing up from his also uneaten dinner.

We walked down the hall and around the corner to the staircase. Nobody would be coming out for another hour.

"What is it Severus?" Lupin asked. I was shocked at the lack of hatred in his voice. It was mild and cool as always, but slightly hesitant.

"Well...I.....er...." I found myself pacing and decided to stop. Slightly shaking, I sat down next to him. "It's like this....W-when you s-said that you were...a-a-at-atract-attracted t-to me, I went into a sort of...shock. I went into a defensive mode and I said some pretty harsh things that, well--to be quite honest, I didn't mean at all. I meant the exact opposite, in fact--"

"You really hurt me back there, Severus. You don't know how hard you hit me when you said what you did--lies or no," Remus replied quietly, looking at a scar on his arm and tracing it with his finger. "You've been saying those kinds of things forever, and if you didn't mean it this time, you never meant it. Why do you feel the need to be like that?"

I wasn't prepared for him to reply, I still hadn't explained myself. But I decided to answer anyway.

"It's a long and difficult story to tell, Lupin, but don't deny that your little friends haven't said worse to me."

"This isn't about them, this is about you and me," he stated harshly. I was taken aback by the sudden iciness of his voice. I had never heard that tone from him.

"...Yes. Well..."

"I had never in my life been rude to you. I've made a point of avoiding confrontation with you because I always felt that you were a good person beneath it all. Tell me what to think now, because I really don't know," he continued, glaring at me with red eyes.

"If you'd let me finish you'd hear me say that I didn't mean it. I'm not used to affection, Lupin, especially not from someone I've...Well, not from someone I've liked for 5 years now without any returning of affection. Put yourself in my shoes," I declared evenly. "You were about to tell me once that we weren't so different, you and I. You're wrong, because I'm a coward. I'll admit it, Lupin, I'm a complete fuckin' pussy when compared to you. I don't have the courage to be honest."

"...You're not a--"

"I am, Lupin and don't you deny it. Now, listen, I'm doing my first brave thing by saying I'm sorry and--Lupin...Remus, I loved you since I first saw you on the train. I-I love your kindness, your ability to see beauty in even jackasses like me, your intelligence, your fragility-- and for once in my life I know someone likes me back...or did. I don't know how you feel now, but R-Remus--if you'll consider--"

"Severus, right now I am in one of the worst situations I've ever been in. I did have affection for you but you quickly made me lose it. You're very different than I thought you were and I need a lot, and I mean WEEKS to think over you and I even being friends again. Right now I'm in the company of people who love me for who I am and are never afraid to show it. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go to bed."

And with that he stood up and left, but not without turning at the last moment and whispering a soft "I'm sorry things went so badly. I would have really liked to have been with you"

It was that last turn and comment that made me want to jump off the edge of the Earth.


	15. That's simply riviting

Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own Remus, Sirius, James, or Severus. Tough world, huh? None of them are mine...except in dreams. : P (peter I can do without...)  
  
Author's note-This is the longest story I've ever written, and I even did Dear Diary! Jeez..I hope people aren't getting bored! FOLLOWING IS SIRIUS BLACK  
  
"Er--Lupin, may I speak with you?"  
I glanced up to see that pitiful sight of Snivellus, a humble sort of sneer on his face. He didn't smile. It was just a constant, ugly sneer as far as I was concerned. Remus said yes and walked off with him. James gave me a look and I scoffed.  
"No, I'm sure nothing's happening with them, Sirius," James assured.  
"I could only hope not..." I murmured, suddenly losing my appetite.  
"Trust me, Remus is a bit smarter than that..."   
  
We headed back to the common room when I glimpsed Snape turning the corner to his dormitories. James lead up the stairs, told the password to the Fat Lady, and quickly sat in the armchair next to the bookcase.  
'So, what did Snape have to say?" he asked. As I came into the room I saw Remus sitting on the couch, his head resting on his hand. He wasn't crying, but he definitely seemed ruffled by something. I closed the portrait behind Peter, who immediately went to the dormitory for a candy bar or something, and leaned against the wall. "You never told me what happened before when you asked him."  
"He...he er--he told me before that he hated me and it was insensitive and silly for me to try to be his friend if I liked him that way. Then just now he said it was a lie and it's just because he doesn't know how to deal with things..." Remus stated quietly and slowly.  
"....You didn't accept his apology, right?" James pressed.  
"No, I didn't..." Remus chewed on his knuckles slightly. "Nevertheless, it was the fact that he made me want to that affected me...."  
I strolled to James's chair and placed a hand on the back of it.  
"Oh...I didn't know you were here, Siri..." said Remus, barely a whisper. He looked so shaken I don't think he could have said it any louder. He tried to look at me, but seemed embarassed, so he just pulled at his chin and pressed at his forehead, looking away toward the chess set. " I-I'm going to...go upstairs and just...sleep. See you later, James."  
Remus left and I sat in his stead.  
"I really wish he'd just make up his god damn mind..." I voiced.  
"He has, Sirius, and it's you, but he isn't used to any of this. He doesn't know how to handle it....You can't blame him, he's never been in a relationship."  
"What about Resa Stevens in Hufflepuff?"  
"You call that a relationship? She was barely a friend, and they only hugged once," James laughed. "No, this is much different....But I don't know anything--why don't you just go talk to him? Just--Sirius, be nice." 


	16. That's simply relieving

Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own Remus, Sirius, James, or Severus. Tough world, huh? None of them are mine...except in dreams. : P (peter I can do without...)  
  
Author's note-booba, booba....

**The following is Remus J. Lupin**  
  
I sat on my bed, throwing myself into the pillows after a long moment of breathing. Sirius, of course, would be upset that I even talked to Severus, let alone the fact that he heard everything I said to James. Given the fact that we weren't exactly in a relationship yet as much as we both knew we liked eachother, however, I decided it was silly to work myself up over something I could just talk through with him.  
  
"Hello, Sirius," I began, seeing him come up the stairs, not followed by James.  
  
"Hey, Remus." He sat on the end of my bed. "Do you want to talk about anything?''  
  
"Don't worry, Sirius, I don't want to run off with Severus. I was just a stupid sod with a--"  
  
"No, I mean...do you want to talk about _anything in general_?"  
  
I looked at him with surprise and smiled slightly. From his quick talk with James, I supposed that he had been told not to bring us Snape. In all likeliness he would have come up here and told me how irked he was by it all. However, granted that he didn't care about the subject due to forcible intervention from James, I tried to rack my brain for things to talk about.  
  
"I don't know, Siri. Do you want to get anything off your chest?" I responded.  
  
"Besides this shirt, I don't think so." He grinned and I returned the smile. I tried not to think of him with his shirt off, but the idea just kept returning to my mind. "What about you, Remus?" he continued, crawling slowly and achingly closer. "Any problems, or _articles of clothing_ that you wish to 'get off your _chest_', so to speak?"  
  
I swallowed and looked up at him, holding my breath. I could never explain it, but being so close to Sirius made me too self concious to exhale.  
  
"I...."  
  
"Remus... If you don't want to continue, just tell me now and I'll give you your space. I know it's been..not exactly the easiest time for you, but--"  
  
"No, Sirius, I want to keep going. I don't want to stop when for the first time in months, I'm really...." I smiled at him, "happy."  
  
Our lips brushed slightly and he pulled away for a second as if to reassure himself, then kissed my cheek and got up, moving to his bed. I sat up and looked at him in confusion--why had he stopped?  
  
"...Sirius?"  
  
"Let's wait just a little while," he smirked.  
  
"...For what!?" I was devestated, like a child who dropped his ice cream.  
  
"You'll see. We'll continue this later, and it'll be something to remember. Right now, however, I'm pretty tired"  
  
Sirius is a strange and extraordinary person...  
  
"Er--Severus?"  
  
The same pair of hemitites and garnets looked up at me again and I winced. I forced myself to continue talking to him, though I wouldn't be surprised if he reached up and hexed my head off my neck.  
  
"S-Severus, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, I would like to continue the idea of potion lessons with you..." I muttered.  
  
"You must be joking."  
  
"No, I'm being very sincere."  
  
"I thought it'd take months for you to consider being friends with me," he seethed, looking at his book as if expecting it to melt under his gaze.  
  
"Well, I usually find that tutoring is not so much a thing between friends as it is between someone who knows what they're doing and--well, a failure at it like me," I tried. Maybe flattery wouldn't help much.  
  
"Give me one reason why I should help you," Severus sneered. I tried to think of one, but really there wasn't one good, solid reason.  
  
There was 2  
  
"Severus, I may have...over reacted a bit. I would very much enjoy to be your friend still as long as we can be completely honest with one another. You hurt me terribly and you know that. But I'm willing to look past it for the sake of learning. And besides, Snape, I think by now you have seen my pathetic potions. I would do anything to learn from the master."  
  
He shook his head.  
  
"Flattery won't work here, Lupin."  
  
"I mean it! You're the best in the school. I'll pay you, wash your robes--what do you need from me, Severus?"  
  
He sighed, rolled his eyes and glared. "Fine, I'll teach you. Today at 4, meet me in the dungeons. Don't bring your little _puppy_ with you, though."


	17. That's simply too much!

Author's note: Oh my gods! It's been 5 months since I've updated! YEOWZAHS! Well, I promise to do better this time! Wanna know the reason I came back? Hee--I watched Priz of Azkaban and just couldn't resist. So here, in full fledged glory is the 17th chapter of "That's Simply Impossible"! ENJOY!

Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own Remus, Sirius, James, or Severus. Tough world, huh? None of them are mine...except in dreams. : P (Peter I can do without...)

**THE FOLLOWING IS IN SEVERUS SNAPE'S Poi O Vie!**

I felt extremely guilty and lucky, which are two emotions that usually you do not want to go hand in hand. I was just so fortunate that my wants were usually not met when it came to emotions---but given that I had an ounce of forgiveness from Lupin gave me a boost of joy that I assumed would not come forever.

As he walked away from me I could not help but feel sorry for myself. It was clear that for all this time that I was hopeless that my one moment of confidence was meant to be wasted. And I being so full of my self-hatred somehow decided it was not my own fault but that it was just some odd form of destiny that dispised me. Sooner or later I gave up that mindset however and went back to my studies with an open mind about the lessons that would follow in only an hour and a half.

" So, what's the first lesson?" Lupin asked estatically as he sat down to the right of the cauldron, setting his books on the table gracefully.

"A simple enegry serum, nothing too difficult. Even the most _moronic canine_ might be able to learn it." I stopped myself suddenly, remembering that I was not to snap at him, lest he just leave. "Do you know which ones we'll be studying?" I queried politely. I already knew the answer and said it along with him in my mind.

"Er---no?"

"Mm hm, right. Well, it's completely up to you, but the term consists of the happiness draught, which we already did so hopefully you got that one right, then the energy serum. Pity Sugar Syrup which basically causes anyone who uses it to become compassionate and empathetic to your situation. Then a gold tincture, which is just basic alchemy that you need for the rest of the potions. The Superb Flyer potion, the name says it all. The Friend-foe finder which brings out honesty and true feelings from whoever you use it on, and then..... _the Eros Arrow_," I ended hesitantly. I turned my eyes from him and focused on the cauldron. "It's up to you if you want to do the last one, you need to be really careful who's around the person you test it on."

"Who would we test it on?"

"You."

"...I'll do it. But you have to promise to help me with these until I learn all of them, okay?" He smiled warmly as if he didn't even understand the implications of having me around when he'd be tested on. Secretly I loved that he was naive about it; he made things much easier for me. But as these vicious throughts went through my head I tried to push them out. In such a delicate situation it seemed....inappropriate to plot such things.

"....Promise. So I have the ingredients here.....As I said, very simple."

Or at least it should have been simple.

--------

"_Fuck!_ Oh god, I'm really sorry. _Oh shit_..."

"Don't worry about it, just---just set it down, don't touch anything else," I sighed.

"Shit, the professor is going to kill us if he finds this..." Lupin remarked shakily

"He doesn't have to know. It's barely noticeable," I replied.

"Severus, I burned ahole through the table a foot wide!"

I looked at the enormous hole and smirked, trying not to laugh. He really was hopeless at potions. Usually an energy serum of mere sugar, griffin bone, and hinkypunk lantern oil usually didn't become acidic unless something went horribly wrong. Trust it to Lupin to find new ways to mess something up every day.

"Oh gods...I'm so embarassed....is there anything we can do?" he muttered quietly, looking around for something to cover it up.

"Yeah, hold on." I got out my wand and pointed it lamely at the table, meanwhile reading for reversals in the potion, then mumbled," _silvestri repairo_"

Naturally and in no time at all, the hole was repaired.

"Oh..." Suddenly I felt arms around me from behind giving a short squeeze-hug. "Thanks!"

I resisted the urge to just turn around and pounce, and so instead decided to lecture once more.

"Alright, so the serum has become very acidic, so to reverse it back to it's original state we must use arrowroot and poppy seeds to make it more basic..." I began. I looked up at him for a moment and he caught my eyes, so I tried to make it seem as if I were waiting for him. "Are you going to get the additives?"

"Oh, yes, sorry. Are they in your bag?"

"Mm hm."

He leaned against me and reached over instead of simply walking around the table as I thought he would. I stood frozen in my spot and waited as patiently as I could as he pulled out various insturments and finally, after much waiting, the god damn arrowroot.

I won't go into my thoughts as he pressed against me, however innocent or full of debauchery they might have been. Either way, in the end, the potion was alright and we both learned a lesson. His was how to make (and fix) a reasonable Energy Serum which I gave him a flask of to keep when he needs it. Mine was....

"Alright, thank you very much, Severus! Same time...when? Should these be weekly or daily---what would you perfer?"

"How about every other day? I need....rest, I think, from potions every once in a while," I replied off-handedly, packing my belongings.

"Heh, time off from me, you mean."

"Either one."

"Alright, well, thanks a ton, I'll keep studying! See you at dinner or tomorrow!" he replied, walking out the door.

"Wait--R--Lupin?" I called.

"Hm?''

"....When you said that...that you would have liked very much to have been with me..."

"I meant it, yes. And I apologize for saying something like that and then saying we should only be friends....I'll be frank in saying that I'm not wholly over everything between you and me.And I don't mean the argument either, I mean...._feeling_. But I'm trying my best to just be Remus. I want you to do the same. I'm not going to give up on trying to be closer to you, Severus."

"....Alright."

"Alright, bye!"

"............................................................**fuck.**"


	18. That's simply ridiculous

Author's note: Yay for another update! I hope everyone didn't forget this story. I should put in the discription that I updated........Anyhow, another chapter here! Maybe I should try mapping this story out, because as it is--I am making this up as I go along. Pretty dumb idea, huh? But so far it's working out okay.....We'll see, I suppose. Anyway, I hope you enjoy these updates!

Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own Remus, Sirius, James, or Severus. Tough world, huh? None of them are mine...except in dreams. : P (Peter I can do without...)

SIRIUS BLACK, YA'LL

As it happened, Remus wasn't there to watch us at Quidditch practice for the next couple of days as he usually did. In fact, we rarely saw him except during classes and when he was buried in his books at meals. But this was natural during these times, and a full moon crossed with test week always did this to him.

Just usually not this bad.

"God, James, do we have any idea where he keeps going off to every day? It's driving me nuts," I whined.

"No clue whatsoever...." he replied absently, watching the snitch buzz around him and then flit off to the edge of the stadium.

"You'd think he'd at least take some time out to be with me once in a while now. I mean, really, studying doesn't usually take him this much time," I continued, hovering on my broom.

"Could you hold on a second?" James said, then zoomed off to catch the snitch. Naturally James had no idea that I was actually talking about something important. I watched him for a second, flew down, and jumped off my broomstick. It was 5:30, I could sneak out of practice without it making too huge of a deal. Having changed in the lockers and dealth with my equipment, I decided to find Remus before dinner.

No sooner had I walked out of the lockers had I seen Remus strolling through the outdoor hallway cheerfully. I opened my mouth to greet him, but suddenly----

"Hold on, Lupin, I'm going your way."

I froze as Snivellus in all this gloomy glory marched up beside him and put a book in Remus's hand, smiling more sinisterly and proud than I thought a wretch like him capable.

'' This book has some simple things you might want to even try on your own, if possible. Sort of....relative to blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah, I'm speaking complete nonsense and I'm a stupid git," he continued.

My fists clenched as I watched the hideous slimeball talk to_my_ Remus. What's worse was that _my_ Remmie was replying as kindly as he would to me.

"Ah, thank you very much, Severus. I'm very confident we're getting somewhere, and I owe it all to you," Remus smiled. That was the smile he usually gave _me_, now he was wasting it on this greasebucket! What--was he drugged!?

They started to walk out of sight when I began to run towards them. Taking only a second to catch up, I placed a hand on Remus's shoulder, glaring at the freak beside him. He turned around in surprise and then smiled that same smile, only slightly marred with embarassment.

"Oh, hi, Siri," he said calmly.

"Hullo Remus. Busy at the moment?" I asked, then without notice, proceded to lead him off.

"Oh--well--I was-----"

"Mm hm, now, please," I impatiently responded, taking him in the direction of the beech tree. I turned around to see Snape looking after us with disgust and merely flipped him off.

"Sirius, what're you--"

"You mean what're you doing? I thought you said you hated him! I thought you two were never going to talk again."

"Siri, I never said I hated him," he explained.

"And just what have you been doing lately? We barely even see you."

"Severus has been teaching me potions. I'm dismal in that subject and he's the best I know, so I---"

"I'm pretty good at potions too, Remus. You could have asked me or James," I reminded.

" You guys are great at _every_ subject, I know, but you two are usually busy. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, Siri, but it's not like anything is going on here. You know that I choose you, and I'm not going to change my mind," he lovingly replied, taking my hand gently in his own.

"........I don't want you seeing him, Remmie," I decided.

"Well, Sirius, I'm awfully sorry you feel that way, but to me he is a friend. He's not as dear to me as you, but maybe close to Wormtail. You understand? Merely platonic, and it'll stay that way. I'm entirely devoted to you, and that's it for me. Besides that, he teaches very well and I could use it," he added.

"......fine. But if he does anything I swear to god, I will---"

"I know you will. I promise, _nothing will happen._ We've reached an understanding."

He smiled at me and I nodded, trying to smile back.

"I'll just have to trust you...."  
------------------------------------------------------------------------

" I can't stand this!!!"

I looked across the dinner table at Wormtail as he stabbed at his turkey furiously. None of us replied but rather tried not to smile. Next to his over-filled plate that was quickly diminishing was the book we took from the restricted section about transfiguration.

"How the hell are we supposed to say THIS incantation and think clearly about the animal at the same time?? It's completely impossible!!! I hate this!"

"Don't you think you're being a tad over dramatic, Wormy?" James laughed.

" A _muggle_ could do that just fine, Peter," I added.

"It's extremely hard! I've been practicing for a week and I just cannot get it right!"

"How can you not get it right? That's beginner's stuff. Honestly, Pete, I don't know how something this simple could cause so many problems with you," I scoffed. I didn't like Peter much, obviously. Really, he was nothing--there was no point to him being around except to make James feel 10x more fantastic.

"Sirius, come on!! It's reeeeeeeeally haaaaaaaaard!" James mocked.

"Hey, jeez, you could maybe just help me instead of doing that. If it weren't for Remus, I--"

"You don't have to do it," Remus's voice quietly hovered above his book. We all turned to him as he set down his book then spoke very commandingly however quiet he was. "I don't want you guys getting in trouble or hurt. Really---just, don't worry about it, alright?"

"Well, Remus, we would like to---" James began.

"No." And that's all he said. But that was all he needed to say out loud, his eyes said more. We ate the rest of our dinner silently and then left, James and I trailing behind.

"Did you tell him?" James asked.

"No, he has no idea," I replied.

"...Now I'm not sure if we should try to surprise him....If he doesn't want it..."

"Well, he doesn't know what he wants. He'll be thrilled, I'm sure of it."

".........Alright.....but we only have 2 days until the full moon. We should at least practice for showtime."


	19. That's simply surprising

Author's note: One more chappie! Once more, completely improvised, so I ain't gonna outline anythin' here. Oh, and I know I called them Padfoot and Prongs and all before they were full-fledged Animagi, but that's because they already knew what they would become in my story long before they mastered it. Just--to save anyone from wondering. :)

Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own Remus, Sirius, James, or Severus. Tough world, huh? None of them are mine...except in dreams. : P (Peter I can do without...)

REMUS J. LUPIN

After dinner I left quite quickly, feeling slightly ill. I don't eat very much during the full moon due to how my levels of immunity hitting record lows, which doesn't really help them get better anyways. Peter trailed behind, perhaps trying to be slow enough to walk with James, but I really didn't care. I just wanted to lay down, really.

_"Lupin."_

I looked over to see Severus leaning against a wall in the right hallway holding a book.

"Come over, this might interest a person like you," he muttered, gazing for a moment at the ceiling. I could guess what it was about, but I had no idea what he specifically wanted. Severus slipped into the shadows as I looked behind to see Sirius and James only a dozen paces behind me. I waited for them, rummaging through my bag.

"Lost something, Moons?" Sirius asked.

"Yeah, I think so. You guys go without me, I think I left my book at the table," I lied.

"We can help ya look--"

"No, no, it's fine. I'm sure I know where it is. You go on ahead," I smiled. They shrugged and left. Once they had rounded the corner I turned into the hallway and followed Severus down to the abandoned History of Magic classroom.

"Severus?" It was completely dark as I fumbled for my wand, but he reached his sooner.

"_Lumos_.... Right here, Lupin," he said quietly, motioning for me to come over. He waved his wand so the desk lamp turned on, but the room remained dim.

"What is it you wanted to talk to me about?"

Severus looked at me for a moment and then rounded the desk, sitting in the plush chair behind it. He set the book on the table and opened it to a preset page. I looked over to see it through the small light.

"............A Wolfsbane potion?"

"That's right," he muttered.

".....What is it, exactly?"

" A highly advanced potion that when used on a human gives them the ability to be a wolf for some time during the full moon. However, if used on a werewolf, allows him to remain tranquil and keep his wits about him. A large batch is made and during the course of a week preceding the full moon, a goblet of it is administered to the werewolf each night where after the full moon, you probably won't be looking like death warmed over, " he finished with an odd sort of glare/gaze I had only seen him use once.

" How advanced? What are the ingredients?"

"It's extremely complex, even I might not be able to fully handle it, but you cannot make it yourself," he explained.

"Well then why are you telling me this if I can't do it?" I asked increduously

_"Because....."_ he paused and gave me a long look-over, then sighed. "Because I am willing to make it for you."

I wasn't necessarily shocked, but I was surprised. Speechless for a moment as well. Here was someone who in the course of a week had turned from my supposed enemy to my beloved to one of my better friends, and now he was offering to save me from my condition, at least in some manner. He had obviously done some research, even I had not heard of a Wolfsbane potion, but he had also stolen the book from the restricted section by the look of it. He definitely surprised me.

"Do you mean it?" I asked barely above a whisper.

"I do, Lupin. I don't promise a sucess, but I'll try if you want me to," he replied. I had never seen his eyes look so innocent and kind as I did then, and I hardly assumed I ever would again.

"How would I ever repay you?"

"....I really cannot think of a way for you to," he smiled. But I knew what he really meant.

"You do too much for me, Severus. I simply cannot ask you to risk---"

Suddenly he stood up so he was level with me and looked me in the eyes. "I want to do this for you, Lupin. I'm going to try this out. And if you don't want me to....just think of yourself as a test subject for a research."

That hardly made it better, but I just nodded and smiled. Tearing up, I walked around the desk and embraced him warmly. He smelled that was the full moon senses kicking in, but it was pleasant and reassuring until I heard a soft moan and---

"Don't."

"What?"

"Don't," he repeated. "Don't do that."

I let go and, confused, stared at him. "I-I'm sorry."

".....Don't worry about it......"

We stood in silence for a moment, then I nodded and smiled once more, this time less comfortably. " Well, Severus, thank you very much. If there's anything I could ever do to pay you back, just tell me and I---"

"Don't worry about it," he said again, then offered a kinder sort of smirk than I usually saw. "Just, you better head back to your little room now. Your puppy will miss you."

* * *

Two days passed and naturally the second day was it---the full moon. I felt exceedingly tired, so I had liscence to leave classes and lie down for most of the day. It's not something I like doing, skipping lessons, but I simply could not concentrate. Besides that, I already finished most of my exams the day before, so it was really of no matter. Potions exams came in a month, though, and I skipped my lesson for that day to tell Severus I'd return the next.

I won't bore you with the details of my transformation and the beginning of the night, however---one interesting and pleasing aspect of the night will be illustrated as follows.

In my wolf form I retain some of my former self, mainly my memory, but rarely recognization of things I know as a human besides maybe the castle and the room I keep myself in. As I paced the room impatiently, still trying to get out I suppose (I was not an intelligent wolf) I heard the turn of the door handle and a quick bark. It was not another of my kind, but rather a domestic dog, it sounded. Hungry for any kind of flesh save my own, I turned on the door to see a large dog about my size, black and shaggy with shining blue eyes. If I remember right, I pounced immediately, jaws itching to tear it to pieces when at the same time the dog jumped on me, pinning me to the ground. I was weak and while I tried to retailiate it was of no use. I stopped biting at him and attempting to claw him when I realized what--or who--it was.

_Sirius._

I made a small, apologetic whimper and he let go when he realized I knew who he was, then bared his teeth in a sort of grin only Sirius could maintain as a dog. He wagged his tail and moved for me to follow him down the steps towards the tunnel of the Womping Willow where I found a large stag, presumably James Potter. Sirius bounded along around James and then ran up to the top of the tunnel, waiting for us to follow him outside. James followed quickly as I hesitated. Sirius---Or, rather Padfoot barked and all inhibitions were gone. We spent the rest of the night running through the forest and all over the grounds.

Naturally that might have been the best feeling I had ever felt in my life, let alone as a wolf.

The next morning I awoke as a human on the bed of the Shrieking Shack to find the same black dog curled at the foot of the bed and James as a human sleeping in the torn armchair. I smiled drowsily and pet Padfoot tenderly. He looked up and in a second transformed back into Sirius. He looked nearly as tired as I must have and grinned, moving up on the bed and wrapping his arms around me.

"Go back to sleep, it's Saturday. We got at least 2 hours until Madam Pomfrey will come to get you."

"Mm hm....." I mumbled and settled into his warmth, soon falling fast asleep.


	20. That's simply easy

Author's note: Oh me and my writing sprees. Will they ever end?...........By the looks of it, no.

Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own Remus, Sirius, James, or Severus. Tough world, huh? None of them are mine...except in dreams. : P (Peter I can do without...)

SEVERUS SNAPEYS

Manipulation is often a horrible sin. Love, however is often manipulative.

Love, therefore, is most likely sin.

Which means I enjoy it thoroughly.

My plans seemed to have been working out beautifully. I hardly expected Lupin to be a willing test subject for the Eros, but as things progressed it seemed that I might not even need it at all. Black was becoming incresingly upset with Lupin's latest interest in potions, which would only make it sweeter when Lupin had asked for extra lessons. However, there was one thing I did not count on.

_The Wolfsbane potion_. Professor Aveino had given me a book that was supposed to stay in the restricted section months ago, saying he was interested in seeing me go far in the subject beyond the normal cirriculum. Naturally the book was practically made of dark potions, but interesting nonetheless. I found myself looking through it passively until I spotted "Wolfsbane Potion". I expected something completely boring, but I read on. Not a cure for lycanthropy, but near it. I had thought over showing it to Lupin, and in the end I decided not to.....but my conscience got the better of me.

He was grateful, almost overtly when he hugged me. The boy is incredibly naive sometimes, to think I'd enjoy something like that while he still struts around with the Gryffindorks, much less Sirius Black. But I still, for all my insanity, decided to help him and make the potion.

Weeks passed of monotonous lessons only to have myself teaching them passed, and potion tutoring had turned into an everyday affair. I was subtle in my emotions, which was the normal, and he didn't notice any of my hints. However, we had finished with the gold tincture by now and the flying potion. I had a mind who he'd use it on, the Quidditch match of Gryffindor vs. Hufflepuff was this week, and according to his gossip, Potter had been failing rather frequently at his game. We now set to work on the 'Friend-Foe Finder', which was ---

"One of the more difficult ones to master. The ingredients need to be added over the course of 3 days, so in order to actually produce the potion we'd need to work into the weekend a bit," I told him.

"....That's fine."

"So, let's get to work."

He gathered the herbs and flowers we'd need for the first day and I sat on the table ordering him around. Quite entertaining, if I do say so humbly. For the first time he actually perfected it, performing admirably compared to how I was used to him messing around. Of course I didn't tell him that, all I said was...

"Usually the ingredients should go in sooner. And the color isn't quite as vibrant as it should usually be. Otherwise...." I tried to think of more insults, but none came to mind. He actually did a great job.

"Otherwise....?" he asked, still hopeful. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of a compliment.

"Otherwise I suppose we'll just have to see if it hold up for tomorrow. Somehow I doubt it, but you have been lucky in the past. After all, I'm here," I finished, slightly disgusted with the way I sounded. This was peculiar to me. I had been much more biting and horribly snide in the past, but to him I rarely could be this way. He noticed my difficulty in saying all this and merely smiled. I hated that smile he gave---everything about it was painful. One of those little smirks that claimed to know more than you let on---it was annoying. Handsome, sure, but annoying.

"Well, I would have done much worse without you, so thanks. Tomorrow same time same place, I'm guessing," he stated.

"Of course."

"Going my way, Severus?" he asked, standing at the door and looking back at me.

"......Yes, just hold on, we need to hide this so Avieno doesn't come in tomorrow and see someone tampering with his equipment....''

We placed it underneath a stone that I never knew opened into a trap door, but when you live with fiends I suppose it gives you some sort of knowledge that others don't have.

"Just how many secrets do you four have? I don't know even half of the passageways I see you coming in and out of," I remarked.

"Well, stand right there and I can tell you at least 5 ways you can get anywhere in the castle so even Filch can't see you," he laughed. "You'd be amazed how many tunnels and secret doors there are around here. Just in this room there are 2 doors in the floor, a tunnel behind the painting of the elephant that leads to Filch's stash of everything he's taken (mostly our stufff), then one behind the tapestry leading to the corridor with the fruit painting before the kitchen, and then behind the Alice painting is a dead end gallery, but some of the best paintings are in there. However, none of them lift off, so it's a rather pointless room."

"....Heh."

"Besides that, we already know every common room password this year, so I'll try to keep Sirius and James off your back. Otherwise you might find a couple whizbees in your pillow," he grinned. It was then that I began to take count of the different smiles Lupin had.


	21. That's simply nothing special

Author's note: Sirius is by far the hardest character to write in for me. Oddly enough, though, I have much more fluidity with a character I'm not totally in love with--Severus. Hence you might notice the shumpiness of all the Sirius chapters when compared with say--Remus, who is my favorite muse and by far the easiest to write in. Nevertheless, I hope I manage to produce an adequete chapter given my current state.

Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own Remus, Sirius, James, or Severus. Tough world, huh? None of them are mine...except in dreams. : P (Peter I can do without...)

S-I-R-I-U-S B-L-A-C-K

James chewed on his pen anxiously as he filled out his book with underlines and notes. He wasn't worried about the quiz we had the next day, though--it was obvious. The Quidditch game tomorrow had him on his toes, especially since he could hardly ever find the snitch nowadays, let alone fly. His mind was completely muddled by one thing.

Lily Evans.

This...I suppose pretty girl in our year who has been rejecting his advances for months now was currently the object of his unwavering devotion. I really never saw him this dedicated, though. He barely ate and left his bed at ungodly hours of the night to go to the common room in front of the fire and write horrible poetry. It was really funny, but I tried not to let him know I thought that. He looked over at me and sighed.

"This is _horrible_..." he muttered, then got up and walked towards the dorms. "I'm taking a shower..."

Meanwhile I was perfectly preoccupied. Remus and I barely saw each other, but plenty of other girls saw me. I can't say that their attentions went unnoticed, or unwanted even. Of course maybe I was starved for attention. It had been a month since I had a real romantic relationship where both of us were equally 'loving', let alone talking on a daily basis. Remus's attentions were naturally wavering, which made me wonder if it was a bad idea to 'leave it until later'.

But when I thought about it more...did I really love Remus? It seems that perhaps it was just jealousy that drove me to be so over-amorous. I hated Snape....and when I thought one of my friends might go and be on the 'dark side', of course I became upset! But that does not mean that I like him in a romantic way. I'd feel the same about Peter being transferred to Slytherin.........Maybe not, I don't care for Peter at all, but still. Remus was just a friend to me, right? I should be free from any mental or emotional restraints my mistake might lead me to, correct? All I would have to do is simply say,'Remus, I made a mistake. Sorry, don't love you. We can still be friends."

He wouldn't be too upset. Afterall, I'm sure by now he was fully engaged in romance with Snivellus...Suddenly I was increasingly upset by that thought. Remus holding Snape's hand lovingly. Remus embracing him warmly----kissing him. I decided though, that it was merely my rivalry and nothing else. Still I made up my mind that Remus should know that perhaps my heart was not entirely in this.

Soon Remus slid through the portrait hole and into the common room, smiling vaguely and setting down his books. He looked up at me and made a sort of purring noise, then laughed and skukled over, wrapping his arms around my neck sweetly.

"How was your day?" he asked, his kind amber eyes looking into mine with a sort of searching look hidden by the smile he now saved just for me. I felt extremely guilty, you can be sure, but nevertheless determined to set thing straight.

"Remus---"

He leaned in, his cheek against my neck and held me tighter. "Remember how you said it should be at a moment when it was special? I sort of figured that right now, nobody's here and--"

"Remus, we have to talk," I whispered. He pulled away and looked at me, soul searching again. He nodded and walked over to the couch to sit. I followed slowly and stopped at the side table. "Um...You know a month ago how I said that I really...well, that I loved you?"

"Yes, Sirius, that's why we're here."

"Well...heh....I'm sure you can understand how my pride felt wounded after seeing you with Snape...I overreacted, you know? I think it's safe to say that I went overboard and took you along with me, and for that I---"

"_You overreacted_??"

"Well....what I'm trying to say is that....I don't think I love you, Remus. Least, not enough to be more than platonic, you know?" I smiled kindly as I could. " We can still be great friends rig---"

I stopped suddenly to see his face in complete shock. He was obviously pained by this statement, and sounded choked as he spoke.

"B-But Sirius...we hardly have even seen each other. How do you know if you l-l-love me or not yet?" he stammered. I sighed.

"That's just it, Remus. After a month, I think I would know or not--"

"But--the shrieking shack! And you and I have always been like this--all our flirting--we never noticed until now, it can't all just be a mistake!"

"You should know now, Remus, I flirt with a lot of people. Really, you're nothing _special_."

No sooner had I said that than I knew I shouldn't have. Immediately he stood up and just stared at me for a moment. Then he looked at the floor and walked out the portrait. I couldn't guess where he was going, but it was for the best. I figured he wouldn't cry, if I knew Remus he was perhaps the strongest person of any in the school or in books. Besides that, I'm incredibly easy to get over---or at least that's what I've observed in the past.

What the FUCK am I saying!?! This is all bullshit!. How on earth could I have said that? _'You're nothing special'?!?!_ But now there was no way to take it back. No way to just say to him "Remus, I meant _'flirting is nothing special'_!!!" No way to tell him that perhaps I was acting on a whim again. Now I hated myself beyond all belief. I doubted my ability to think on my feet because having done so twice I had severly messed things up. I lied by telling him I loved him so quickly and then as I watched him and his incredulousness I realized to myself....I might like him more than platonically. Then I lied again. Iruined things that cannot be undone.

I stood rooted to the spot and stared into the fire, furious at myself and upset with Remus for not having knocked some sense into me. I must have felt something for him as I held him in the Shrieking Shack. I must have had something in mind when I told him that we had to wait for our real first kiss until we could truly appreciate it....I must have felt something when my eyes finally teared up when I realized what I had just done.

I must have stood there for a while, because James came down again with his hair wet and fresh pajamas on, tapping on my shoulder.

"Sirius?.......What's wrong..........?" he asked.

I didn't say anything, my voice was completely gone. I just rounded the armchair and sat down heavily, placing my hand to my forehead.

"Sirius...?"

"I told Remus he was nothing to me....." I muttered, eyes not moving from their fixed position.

_"....Why!?"_

"I haven't the foggiest fucking clue in my fucking stupid head, James," I croaked. Tears didn't flow, they just stayed in my eyes, clouding my vision to spite me. Not that I needed eyes right now. I didn't need anything except to turn back time and get a new brain.

"Sirius, you were in love with him!! Everything was working out perfectly and you---"

"Not perfectly, James!!! Not in the slightest!!"

"You never appreciate the beautiful things you have, Sirius Black. What was it this time? Some girl? Surely not some guy?"

"We never saw each other! He's always with Snivellus and he barely---"

"You never TRIED to see him, Sirius! The last time I saw you make an attempt was during the full moon to see him, and that was with my coaxing. You didn't try at ALL. But you know what the sad part is, Sirius? I'm not even disappointed in you. I knew this would happen. It always has, except this time you didn't even fuck him. I'm disappointed in myself for letting you put Remus through all this. He let down someone who---horrible as he is, might have made him happy to be with YOU because he truly believed he loved you. He dropped everything he could for you. You may not have noticed that while some blonde bird prepared to snag you, but you meant everything to him. You fucked it up, and in the end I know what I knew from the beginning-------Remus deserved better."

Well, that certainly made me feel better.

END NOTE: It's hard to believe, but I had no intention of going in this direction. As I said, the characters lead you, sometimes. Hopefully Sirius hasn't led me into a corner I can't write myself out of. I hope this isn't too shattering to the Sirius-lovers or too joyous to those who root for Severus, because I'm still not sure who he'll end up with. One thing's for sure....PLEASE REVIEW! Flames aren't necessarily welcome, but acceptable. I like brutal honest :D


	22. That's simply painful

Author's note: Oh noooooo! Hee. Yeah, that was by far the most over-dramatic and horrific chapter I've ever written since Dear Diary. Not exactly my most....elegant chapter. Reading it over I realize what a mistake it was, but sometimes you just have to roll with the punches. I'm relying on people who don't even exist to write this story for me, so bear with me mates.

Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own Remus, Sirius, James, or Severus. Tough world, huh? None of them are mine...except in dreams. : P (Peter I can do without...)

REMUS J. LUPIN

I didn't cry. I felt there was no reason to. But I was certainly hurt. Immediately after leaving I slammed the portrait shut, only to get a loud yelp from the Fat Lady. I ignored it and fell against the painting, sinking down to the floor quietly and eventually curling myself up.

"Watch what you're doing when you....Hello?....What's wrong dear mister---" The Fat Lady began.

"Remus Lupin, Madame," a sailor spoke across the room from his boat where he stood with a warm sort of authority.

"Dear Remus," she finished. I didn't speak, but rather remained in my ball position.

"I think he just got in a fight, dearie," a drunken knight called out. " That Sirius Black has been all over lately, not like it's surprising. That boy's quite the ladies man."

As if this could possibly help my disposition! I stood up and politely nodded to them, then hurried myself down the stairs and out of the hall towards the Astronomy Tower. I had no idea what I would do when I got there, but I merely needed a place without pictures. I was barely aware I was walking, my mind was too heavy to think of anything else but what had just happened.

What a whim! At first everything was perfect and it didn't change, but it was true--we hardly spent time together. But it was our OWL year! He could hardly expect me to be spending all my time with him....But he did want me to back off from Severus. Perhaps there was my real mistake, prolonging my time with Severus instead of being entirely set on making a relationship I wanted so badly work. But......I was nothing to him. I had lost perhaps something that was never there....which is sometimes so much worse than losing something that was a constant.

Did I have hope that perhaps I'd be back in his heart? Not in the slightest. Not when all I could feel was this supreme emptiness that I knew only he could feel. I will be honest and say I took him completely for granted...something I thought he always did to me. This time, though, we used and ignored each other. Sirius by paying attention to women, and myself by not paying attention at all. We were equally wretched.

So what could I do now? Sirius no doubt meant exactly what he said, it's not like he had any other inclining. Nobody could make Sirius do anything against his will. The thought came into my mind to perhaps seek comfort in Severus, but I pushed the thought out quickly as it came. If there was one thing I would try to refuse it would be a rebound after my first relationship.

So...I decided to do nothing. I wouldn't try to talk to Sirius, it would only make things worse. Instead I chose the lighter road of going on with things as they had been a couple months before---completely neutrally. It would take time for me to eventually get over things....

But I never really respected the old adage of 'You never know you lost something until it's gone'. It seemed to me that I would teach myself to realize the worth of everything while I had it, because it was rare that I had things very long. And I had been doing fine for some time, but now...I felt shattered. I never really noticed how much I did love Sirius Black. His humor, the way he completely disregards lessons as important and goofs off every day. His ability that after not even paying attention in class he would get a 90/100 on all his exams, if not higher. I loved the way that when he was frustrated his hair fell into his eyes and he didn't even bother to push it out but merely complained about how he couldn't see. The way that his eyes spoke volumes that perhaps he didn't even know about, illustrating all of his emotions through some icy blue glass. The way that he no matter what was exceedingly quick and dramatic with everything, always ready to entertain the masses with some beguiling joke or quip. Even the way he held himself above most others was charming in it's eccentricity because no matter what he felt inferior to James and I. His kingly behavior and then quick unworthiness that he only showed to me---you could tell that he felt so lucky to have us, even if he never said so. But at least he knew how lucky I felt to have him, for a time. But at last I had misfigured Sirius, he had eluded me. Because in the end, I was nothing to him.

And still I loved him. He was beautiful and kind to me....And the worst part was that echoing through my mind were flashes of our last conversation and through them bits of our few moments together. The Shrieking Shack, when he told me he loved me and that we were perfect for one another, him telling me to wait, the multitude of times we sat alone late into the night studying, just pleased to finally be in each other's company.

I refused to believe that they all meant nothing, but he told me plainly I was wrong....And I had to accept that soon.

* * *

The following day proved to be harder than expected. And once or twice after seeing Sirius I had to force myself to look away. James and I didn't speak to each other, and only the unknowing Peter and I exchanged smiles. Not even James spoke to Sirius, so I was guessing he knew. James had a way of staying on my side when things like these happened---not that anything this bad had happened before, but Sirius and I have had our tiffs. Nevertheless, the only words I shared that day were with Severus, and that was well after 4.

"Sorry I'm late." I rushed into the dungeon and placed my bag on the table, rubbing my forehead.

"What were you doing?" he asked curiously.

"I was having a chat with Professor McGonagall," I lied. Really, I was just sitting in the Dorms thinking about not coming at all, but Sirius and Peter had some in, so I left immediately. "So--the friend-foe potion?"

"Yes, it's coming along fine," he remarked kindly.

"I see you found the floorboard on your own! You're well on your way to becoming just as sneaky as us," I laughed. It was a sort of mirthless laugh if I have ever heard one from my mouth. I didn't want it to be, but he noticed.

"...Most people know already, Lupin."

"Know what?"

"You know what I'm talking about," he replied quickly, almost snappish, then his voice became gentler than I have ever heard it. "...What I mean to say is...I'm sorry. Perhaps you misjudged your Black, he doesn't deserve you."

"Don't tell me what I deserve and do not, Snape," I hissed and then suddenly stopped myself. "....I'm sorry..."

"You're upset."

"Naturally....but I don't mean to be so rude...It's just......I had everything I could have possibly wanted....and I just didn't take the time out to notice before I lost it all..."

Severus sighed and stirred the potion. "What exactly made you lose everything?"

"Losing Sirius."

"I mean what happened? There's only so much Slytherin girls know to gossip about."

"....Basically he was just jealous that I might want to be with you....And that he never really had the same feelings I did for him..." I stated as neutrally as possible, opening several vials to add the new ingredients. I reached over to work on the potion, but he quickly placed his hand on my arm.

"Don't. Just sit down, I'll handle it for today," he said firmly, looking at my eyes with a black sort of kindness that made me uneasy, but I sat down on the table, buring my face in my hands with fatigue. I had never in my life thought I'd be having such a friendly conversation with Severus about an ex-boyfriend.

"It's like....We didn't care that we would grow apart by not seeing each other because we believed in our minds that it was impossible. We had been friends so long, and there have been times like summer when we never saw each other---but remained close....Well...I'm lying to myself. He's always been closer to James. When they broke up it was a mutual thing, not so onesided as this...."

"I think that perhaps it would be safe to write him off as just a friend now that you know his heart was not in it."

"It's not that easy."

"He's not the only person who has claimed to love you, Lupin," he said harshly, setting down the spoon and staring into the potion. "Why don't you consider the fuckin' lilies? Plenty of people have noticed you before now and many more will do so. It never works out the first time, but you have to move on."

".....I'm sorry Severus. Here I am talking about Sirius and here you are...." I said slowly and quietly. "I never appreciate the things I have...I know...I should fix that...."

"You know, when you said you wanted to be my friend, I was completely afraid you were joking. It seemed much to good to be true. But you continued to do so even after I lied, and that takes a certain amount of character that until then I wasn't sure you had. I misjudged you, just like you misjudged him. But I learned my lesson and I trust you now. I spend hours of my day to try and help you because you helped me, Lupin--"

"Please call me Remus," I muttered.

"Remus, you gave me at least a little bit of hope. Do you understand how rare it is to actually give someone a thing like that? And that's enough for me, you being my friend. You gave me enough confidence without loving me as I do you, so....Do the same. I am grateful for one. You have 4. And if they all disappear, which I highly doubt, you still have me, because I'm not going anywhere. I have nobody better to turn to, Remus, and that's saying something. He's not worthy of your heart if he cannot return it, and it's just that simple. So there are three things you can do---forget him and move on, keep him in your heart and not let him know, or get me that unicorn's horn and let us see if he was actually speaking the truth."


	23. That's simply a marvelous idea

Author's note: Hee, yes, Severus was out of character, but the following chapter will explain why. And this is short just because it is only an introspective chapter for Severus to explain his actions, not to further the story. I shall continue moreso in Sirius's chapter and then again in Remus's.

Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own Remus, Sirius, James, or Severus. Tough world, huh? None of them are mine...except in dreams. : P (Peter I can do without...)

Severus SNAPE

UGGGGGGGH! FUCKING BLOODY HELL! I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE SIRIUS BLACK!!!

Not only does he first take away every chance of me being happy with his taunts and hexes, but then he takes Lupin so NOBODY else can EVER have him again! That stupid, ignorant, fucking asshole! All I hear ALL morning is squealing girls, most of them summarized to "Sirius Black is single again! Yeah, he dumped some Gryffindor he was going out with.'"

That Gryffindor, however, is the only one worthwhile--Remus J. Lupin. And I was prepared for the lesson when a sulking, dejected Lupin would waltz in and I could comfort him, turn him to my side. What I wasn't prepared for was that the beautiful, intelligent, simply astounding boy would be 'in love' with that wretched, horrific, imbecile Sirius Black. But there he was! Pouring his contemptable and easily misguided heart out to me---his little friend. Then I, like an idiot, took pity on him!

Then....I don't know what the fuck got into my head.......but I decided to help him. Perhaps it was my subconcious telling me the whole shit about attracting more flies with honey---but why would I want more flies? Why did I still want this blubbering mass of feminine weakness? Wasn't that what I was trying to get away from by liking men in the first place? Not to mention women are a dispicable mess. So WHY was I so hung up on this horrible guy who had absolutely nothing remarkable about him?

Okay, so perhaps he was the most remarkable person I've ever seen. Maybe he was simply gorgeous and the only person who was ever kind to me, but what in the name of hell provoked me to help him? What caused me to give him the idea to use the FF potion on Black to see if he really loved him?

But....when I thought about it again, it could be a wonderful plan. Black could really not love Remus (the fool) if he could let him go so easily. The ball was in my court again if I played my cards right...and if I didn't...well, that's what the Eros was for.

"Severus?....Severus?"

"Hm? Sorry."

"Heh, you sort of zoned out there for a while," Remus laughed.

"Sorry, I'm a bit preoccupied."

"Well, I just wanted to say thank you before I leave. You've been really sweet and supportive...I don't know how to thank you."

Oh, you will later, Remus. You will.


	24. That's simply remarkable

Author's note: Aha! Maybe I shall do some plot development this time?! Nah, babes. It seems to be more quantity than quality lately. But I shall try my best....but, Ally, could you possibly be more specific as to WHY it is rubbish? That might help.

Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own Remus, Sirius, James, or Severus. Tough world, huh? None of them are mine...except in dreams. : P (Peter I can do without...)

BLACK, Sirius BLACK

I didn't know what to make of the situation. As far as I could see, Remus hated me and James wouldn't be satisfied until I got my just rewards. But I couldn't do anything to change what I had mistakenly done...it almost seemed like someone else had gotten into me. I could barely recall what I was thinking as I said everything.

But that didn't stop James from doing everything in his power to avoid me and keep Remus far from any stress and sadness. Which, in essence, meant that he and Remus stayed far away from me, taking with them any people I might find solace in. This was his way of telling me I was not deserving of solace.

That night I confronted him like I confront most things.

"Okay, what the fuck do I need to do for you to get off my back, James?"

He turned around and glared at me. His very disposition filled the empty common room and I swear I could hear the fire snap twice because of him.

"You have a lot you need to do, Sirius, but I don't think it's possible for ANY of us to rely on you to change," he spat.

"Oh, come off it, Prongs, I am humbling myself before you. Can't you just offer me something so I can try?" I asked exasperatedly. I was dead sick of these little games he'd always play to try and make me feel guilty. I already felt enough without him--why couldn't he realize it? Besides, it was none of his business.

"Black, you call this humble? Your behavior is atrocio--"

"Fucking'a James!!! Just cut it out! I am so fucking sick of your shit! This doesn't even involve you, what reason do you have to ignore me!?!"

"You never quit! First that whole shit with leading Severus into the Shrieking Shack after Remmie, then you become jealous and completely break his heart! You are a devious, lying piece of shit an---"

"Stop, James."

"Why should I? If you never loved---"

"I DO LOVE HIM!" I shouted. I stopped and held my breath for a moment, letting it out slowly and straightening myself out. I tried to keep my eyes fixed on him, sort of the whole 'don't show you're afraid' mechanism. I was shocked--I wasn't thinking of saying that. An entirely different thought was in my head when I said that, something along the lines of 'I made a fucking mistake, asshole', but instead I said what I did. I was learning quickly how many things can never be taken back.

The was a long silence between us before James finally spoke. "Then what the fuck is your problem?"

"...I don't know. Commitment? Losing him as a friend? Maybe being the one he doesn't love as much as Snivellus?...I wasn't thinking when I did that, James. I felt completely out of my skin and....I made a mistake....I know that. I know it's irreversable. I know I am always creating trouble...and that's my burden. I don't need to lose you on top of it," I stated quietly.

"Remus would never stop being your friend. He needs us and we need him even more....you should know that."

"That's just it--I don't know him like I want to. He knows everything about me, but he is such a mystery...." I sighed, relishing this calm we had between us.

"You never got to know him, you were always too caught up in some girl or me."

"I knooooooow," I moaned. " I know....and it's all my fault James...and no matter how much I realize these things and love him...I can't get him back after saying something so horrible...Perhaps Snape deserves him---"

"Shut up, Sirius."

I was surprised. James usually was defensive of Snape's matters of the heart with Remus, but he continued.

"Snivellus does not deserve Remus, nor do they love eachother. You and Remus have been practically created for the soul purpose of being together. Snape can't say that," James explained, still mildly cold.

"...What should I do, then?" I asked pathetically.

"Nothing...for now. Wait until he forgives you and wants to persue your platonic relationship before you spring love up again....IF you spring love up again," he ended.

"...I want to definitely tell him as soon as I can....I can't stand living like this, and it's only been two days....Why am I being so childish and pathetic?"

"...Because I think you truly love him."

"....I think you're right...And I hate it......."

* * *

But it didn't take long for Remus to become neutral once more. The next day, only 3 days after our...breakup, I suppose....he began to speak to me again.

"Sirius, could you pass the toast?" he asked sweetly, giving me a vague smile.

"Oh--yes, sorry, I will---"

James reached across the table and set the toast on Remus's plate before I got the chance to move.

"Thank you," he smiled.

"Don't mention it," James responded.

Alright, so it wasn't much, but it was enough to give me hope for the rest of the day.


	25. That's simply just what I need

Author's note: Another chapter.....if I can think of one.

Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own Remus, Sirius, James, or Severus. Tough world, huh? None of them are mine...except in dreams. : P (Peter I can do without...)

Remus Lupin

I figured there wasn't any point in trying to be rude to Sirius if I could just find out everything the easy way. Severus's plan was about to be excecuted, all it would take is a teaspoon of the potion in his coffee, one hour to wait until full potency, then clear sailing. All I did was kindly ask him to pass me the toast, knowing full well he'd be unexpecting of me to say anything to him. He was flustered and before he got the chance to grab the basket, James dealt toast onto my plate. Meanwhile as Sirius wasn't looking I emptied half of the vial into his mug and quickly hid the bottle in my pocket. He didn't see a thing, but James looked at me after I had disposed of the evidence for a moment, then back at Sirius.

Sirius gulped his coffee down and I felt a smile forming on my face, however small and grim it was.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I saw that, little sneak," James muttered as we marched off to Transfiguration.

"Saw what?" I mused.

"You know what I'm saying! So what was it in there?"

"Just a little F and F," I laughed.

"F and F?"

"You'll see, Jim. Events will play themselves out soon," I stated simply, opening the door and sitting down in my normal seat, a hesitant Padfoot beside me. McGonagall started the lesson, an alternative way to turn tortoises into teapots, and Iattempted to take notes. However, for the first time ever, my mind was only on Sirius. I could barely concentrate, my eyes constantly darting towards the clock. Once it reached past an hour from breakfast, I immediately scribbled down on my paper, impatience getting the best...or worst...of me.

'_Sirius Black, do you still have feelings for me?'_

I folded the note neatly and passed it to him under the desk. This was nothing unusual, James, Sirius, and Peter often passed amusing comics or pictures to each other during class, but usually I did not take part in it. Sirius took the note gratefully and unfolded it beneath the desk. He stopped and picked up his quill, hiding the note beneath his doodles, then slowly tried to begin to write, but nothing came out. He tried again and wound up scratching his way through the parchment. Suddenly he took the paper in his hands, crumpled it up, and tossed it into his bag, focusing on the desk with the most irritated look I had seen on him for months.

This was discouraging, but I still figured maybe I had merely timed it wrong. So I waited until after class to speak with him.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Sirius..."

He turned sharply and sighed. "Remus, my pen ran out of ink and--"

"I want to talk to you alone. Could we go somewhere?"

"......like?"

"Anywhere. Just alone," I muttered, grabbing his hand and pulling him down the hall. We had a total of 20 minutes before the next class and I wasn't going to waste any of them. We managed to find our way into the Prefect's bathroom oddly enough, but I just kept my mind steady.

"Sirius, we need to talk."

"......About...?"

"Oh come on, you know full well what about, Padfoot. Did you really mean all that?" He was silent for a while and stared at the ground. I knew the potion had to be working by now, but he had to say something! "Sirius, please answer me---"

"I didn't mean any of it, Remus, alright? I made a completely dumb mistake and I don't even know why I did anything at all. I was being a fuckin' git and....I don't know why....nothing I said was true...hell--it didn't even make sense..."

"Then why did you sa--"

"I told you, I don't know! I don't have any clue! I just....maybe I was and all, you know? But...Remus....none of it was what I meant to say---a complete whim...." he muttered, hands in his pockets.

"...Well...then that means..."

"....Yes, it does...." he sighed, eyes returning to the ground again.

"...What do you want to do about it then, Black?" I asked. I wanted to know the answer because I thought I already knew it.

"...I don't want to hurt you any more....I've made so many mistakes, Remus...I don't want to make the mistake of really losing you forever. It might be better if....if we remain friends.''

I was speechless for a moment. "....But...."

"I love you, Remus, that's true--but I've ruined too many things. I can understand how you could hate me by now--"

"Sirius, that's not how I--"

"But listen, it would be much better if I stopped treating you this way. You know me--I act on impulse. What if I say another thing I'll regret forever? Ican't bear the thought of hurting you again and---"

"Sirius, you fucking idiot!" he looked up suddenly, I usuallynever swore. ButI continued as determinedly."I don't want to have this platonic charade any more--I won't be able to do it! I love you, and you love me. Why should we pretend?"

"Because, Remus, what if I--"

"I'll always know the truth, Sirius. Just like I did when you did that--I couldn't believe it because....because I love you and we're practically soulmates. Anyone in Hogwarts can see that even if you cannot. I can't bear it to lie anymore. I lie everyday to everyone--I can't do it about this, Sirius. I won't."

"...Remus..." He began, but took a step and embraced me tightly. "...How can you possibly be like this...I don't deserve you at all...."

"...You love me, don't you Sirius?...That's more than enough for anyone...."


End file.
